Many Voices - April 05 Responses

My name is Dawn...at least that's the name most of us answer to. I have had several major people/parts integrate since the first of my kids introduced themselves to me 13 years ago when the body was 21. It has always felt like a loss to me when I've realized that someone I grew up with was gone. It doesn't matter how much they need to go or how much I need them to go, it's still a loss.

My intergration experience doesn't feel like blending. Sometimes it feels like that person/part becomes tired and ill and then dies. Sometimes it's as though they've always been one and just didn't know it. It seems they immediately integrate so fully that they can't remember what it was like to be separate. Every experience, every memory, every skill belongs to the new person/part and is almost re-experienced from the new individual perspective.

Sometimes it's long and draw out as the personalities involved gradually become more alike, then become twins, then conjoined twins, then one person.

It's also always scary for me. These people/parts exist for a reason; what will I do without them? How will I cope? I have had integrations come apart at the seams because it wasn't something I was ready for or because some trauma occurred that the newly integrated person/part couldn't deal with.

When the person/part has already integrated into someone else I've found it helps me to have some sort of memorial for the person/part who is going or, if I know about it before hand, I might have a going away party instead.

My name's Nathan, and I wanted to let you know I can relate
to something you said in your letter. When you spoke of feeling something
like a sense of loss - like a period of mourning - after the reintegration
of an other, it struck a chord with me. In my experiences, when you have
done the proper work to reintegrate one of your others, especially if it's
one you were fond of, feeling a sense of loss, not unlike the passing of a
loved one, is an almost sure sign you did the job right and it's going to
stick. It's like your spirit's way of telling you your task, your dept, to
that particular other is over now, and they are at peace inside you once and
for all. And I've found that it's a person's job then, once again
especially if you were fond of this other, to cherish and hold on to the
memory of them and all that they did for you. Just like you would if
someone on Earth you knew passed on; you hold gently but firmly to the
memory of them, and you do so because you realize that is all that's left of
them. An other may no longer be there, but we owe it to ourselves to
remember that they once were, and why. Light and peace to you, Deborah.
Good luck on your journey.
~Nathan

I think of my alters as having "transitioned" instead of being
integrated. At first I felt empty, not lonely, just empty. But that
passed when I realized that the memories were still there even though
the alters never again responded to my requests for assistance.

In therapy I found out that one of my alters was very angry that the
others were gone and no longer available to her. She left
(transitioned) in a fit of rage and has never returned--I think of her
as an empty bucket. No matter how much love or attention she was given
it would never be enough for her. I realized she had to "go" if I was
going to love and care for "me".

Each Alter needed to know that "I" would be OK and able to cope if they
"left". Once they were convinced I would be OK (I just needed to tell
them) they each "transitioned" in their own unique way. The
transitions happened in therapy during hypnosis and each one was a
beautiful experience. Lily went to rest below the wild roses growing
in our garden. ElizaBeth joined her but sits on top of Lili's resting
site. MeraBeth freed herself from her prison and flew up into the sky
where she she floats among the clouds watching over all of us. There
are many more alters, but the major ones have transitioned. I am
thankful that they were there for me. I also know that I can care for
myself now and that I have all the skills, intelligence and survival
skills that they had.

In an automatic way I called upon ElizaBeth for help one day and she
never responded. I was shocked and at the same time realized that she
and I were now both free. She no longer had to "save" me and I had the
skills to care for my self.

Yes, there was grief, but it lasted only a short time. I began to love
my new self instead of feeling their loss.

Stress triggers a response in me, but I am not as caustic as I used to
be and much more rational that any of my alters ever were. I watch out
for stressful events and avoid anything that does not bring love into
my life. It is part of my taking very good care of "me" instead of
having the alters step in and take responsibility for me.

On the plus side there was actually space for quiet time inside my
mind. There were fewer voices. I had no idea how much they all
chattered!

I wish you well in your journey.

Lindsay

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I like the word 'blended' because that's more what mine felt like. Actually all during therapy it was never one of my goals to integrate. I've heard therapists say that the goal of therapy with an MPD/DID is ultimately integration and if the patient isn't into that then they won't treat them. Oh well, the education goes on.

We blended after we stopped therapy and I was happy just being 'normal'. Then one day at work I was physically assaulted by a supervisor! Now I was scared to say the least and pissed and a few other emotions too but those were the main ones. I have sworn NEVER to be a victim again and I hit back but in a controlled manner and it seemed like slow motion. I had lots of time to plan out my response and think ahead as to what to do next. The kid personalities that had so nicely blended were the ones I was protecting from harm.

As soon as the scuffle was over I high tailed it for home and hid in the basement. I stayed there for the better part of the day and turned off the phone and no one came to the door. I talked to another supervisor and informed him that I quit. He told me the boss was angry at ME and was going to fire me. I finally left the house 3 days later. Remained scared in similar circumstances but eventually back to 'normal'.

If that didn't trigger out anybody I figure nothing will. I wasn't sure before then whether the blending was permanent or what. I mourn the loss of the individual talents. One was good at art and now we can't do as well. Another music etc. Instead of separate very talented people, now I'm just one averagely talented person. It's still there but not as clear, not as distinct. Over all it was worth the trade.

The reason for the blending and for not re-splitting......new improved coping mechanisms. I learned new coping skills in therapy that just weren't put to the test until the assault. In a perfect world they never would have been tested but I now have piece of mind and a confidence that I can truly handle anything.

I'm not suggesting you test your blending but if you are confident that you have different coping skills to use instead of splitting you should be fine.

Signed HB

Hi Deborah,

I read your letter. I wanted you to know that you're not alone.
I have been in therapy for a very long time and now I am a therapist/artist.
I have worked very hard in therapy and blessed by the therapist I have had to help me with intergration work.
I feel so much better-- more grounded, present and in charge of my own life. Yet I will always be on this journey. Please feel free to write again.
take care and God Bless
J.

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I'm in the midst of a series of attempts at integration, so maybe I can speak to that.

It’s a very fragile year, I've been told, and life just threw crud at me as sometimes it does, that year and presently the parts of me were so determined to be a whole person they've pulled in the fragments they "threw out into space for safety" but those parts are too scared to actually blend into one whole person yet nor be "out" much at all, just easily angry at anything that hurts them. As we mother our parts, it takes enormous patience and wits to reach everyone, and prove the world IS safer now, sometimes at least.

Back to YOUR question: during the times when I was integrated, it was a bit lonely without all those wonderful parts being obviously around, yet I functioned better, had more coherent memory (of nice things too) and a sense of distancing from that past. The parts WEREN'T gone, merely blended into a very cohesive unique person who could for the first time scan a store in 2 minutes to find what clothes if any was "me" as opposed to a lot of ones wanting something for "us". Then there were times of quiet when I'd hear a head voice I immediately knew as a main alter, kind of boss me/guide me to do something. I didn't realize it at that moment, but I was under a lot of stress, and it had come out to take care of things as usual. Under a LOT of stress, various ones simply wandered out unexpectedly ( not very integrated at all, but still a team at the bottom of the league but with high goals of winning this thing called integration) with obviously kid voice and sense of humor while achieving what I the exhausted host couldn't.

Example, again with clothes: It was a therapy day, and everything in the closet looked like just a blur of stuff strange to me.
( You kind of know you're in trouble those mornings.) I wanted to just toss on something since jammies are illegal ...and nothing made any sense. I have no idea how long the body stood there baffled by all the closet contents, when suddenly I heard a young voice almost laugh aloud and speak aloud to the others inside "well, what shall we dress as today? We could wear, umm, what's her name, ah, Alissa's stuff. Now THAT would be funny, going to therapy wearing a hat.."

"NO!" came the instant reprimand from someone else talking in my head " You CAN'T do that to the therapist, she'll know!" and a third one chimed in silently "get out the image consultant!" who indeed came out, pulled out a very nice acceptable consistent outfit like my therapist is used to seeing on me....except they all forgot the hair hadn't been washed in over a week and was lank. ( You can sometimes fool a therapist, but not all the time.)

That's after 3 integrations, very fragile, very much in flux due to stress in the home, and nobody went away at all; the difference is at least in my case, they are the strong parts of me, and under a lot of stress, the guys with the skill, whomever they are, pop out to save the Person or just hang out awhile, whereas in a peaceful integration, there's such beauty and joy at being free and the ability to function far better than before.

We are learning a new skill in integrating: adulthood, and often needing to learn boundaries, survival skills like ATMs, holding down jobs and kids, whatever, all under conditions non-DID people can barely grasp could be possible. Honor that gift of survival wits, patience, humor, and tremendous courage, whether you make it all the way to one solid fusion or leaders and the gang and those wandering nearby, like I am now. Life's a journey, and this is just a stage in it.

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Deborah,
You ask the questions that many of us ask. Integration is a word that the professionals use as a goal many times in the therapy process. I've received posts from many all over the world who thought that once they were integrated they were cured, only to begin hearing those familiar voices down the road in times of stress. After twenty five years in this process I view the professionals' way of judging our progress and the many labels we received along the way just that-- their labels. It helps them and I guess that's the most I can accept from them. Many of us are still out here trying to educate them.

I say that only because it is the stories of many of us who have been living this life for a long time with Many Voices that the professionals finally had enough to see a pattern. It's our stories in so many numbers that has slowly change the way they look at trauma and its effects on the lives we live.

Never stop asking questions and if you want to find some other people who are asking the same questions come to Lady Jz Talk Zone found in the resource section here where you can ask and share with others like you.
Stay Safe, Lady J