Hello Sabrina,
Welcome to the strange new world of dating as a "healthier" person. You
didn't mention your age, or if you've (or parts) had experience with any
long-term committed relationship. Finally I was ready for a *healthy*
relationship as an integrated woman, and I encountered an issue that I
hadn't anticipated. If you're looking into men 35 and older most likely
they're either confirmed bachelors (not willing to give up the single
lifestyle for ANYONE), or divorced with varying degrees of baggage. Enjoy
the dating experiences, and keep it slow.
I'm dating a 48 year old divorced
dad that is the non-custodial parent of 2 teenaged sons.
To prep him for
dissociation at first I mentioned that I had a therapist, and said
nonchalantly that I had integrated from a dissociative disorder. When he used
the word dissociate correctly I felt it was safe to go into a bit more
detail about my trauma past and healing journey.
I can't dissociate anymore
now, and as a result I really feel the full impact of loneliness-
and being
integrated does really mean I'm alone when I'm alone. A big part I've
learned while dating is that I need to be comfortable with myself. Good
luck, and write back if you want to.
"Life isn't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride"
Christine
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Dear Sabrina,
for me it was being able to be assertive -- not fearing the potential partner's reaction to my history in the mental health system -- i thought if the person has a fairly decent response to my past problems and possible current problems -- that it would be safe to invest time and emotional attatchments --one thing i had to realize about myself (co-concious selves) i tended to date abusers simply because abuse had been the normal i grew up in -- when i did decide to enter a relationship -- i found a man so opposite of anyone i had been attracted too -- ie i was a female chauvinist oink -- but this man was and still is so non abusive, loving giving and supportive -- we have been together 5 years, married 4 of them - what i did between men was spend time learning about the " abused spouse / partner syndromne " -- i needed to learn what a realistic "normal " relationship involves -- i needed to learn to stand up for myself and when it's best to say no -- and it's safe to say yes -- i'm pretty blessed with my husband -- he's really very tolerant to others popping in and out -- integration was simply not possible - too many splits --
one of his best qualities is patience -- when we first met i was really confused -- why is this man so so different from anyone i ever dated (physical appearances and attitudes ) i really tended to expect abuse to develop because it usually did in the past -- when i finally got it into my head this man is not going to abuse me -- the wedding bells began to ring ---
we are a pretty normal married couple -- we laugh play argue and all the normal things people in love do -- first i had to learn just what that "normal " relationship involves --
bill cosby is one source i read about -- he's pretty funny about the sillyness of seriousness in relationships --- i hope some of this helps ---
MEG
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Dear Sabrina,
I definitely "relate" to the problem of being attracted to abusive men. I did this for years & years. I did it for decades. If the man wasn't abusive, or neglectful, or distant, or two-timing me (or all the above) I thought there was something wrong, and dumped him! I can't tell you how many men I dated--badly--over the years, but it was well past 100. & lots of these bad relationships happened after I started therapy. BUT -
Eventually I started to realize that I was duplicating my past environment (abusive father, distant mother). I worked my way through my "must have excitement" phase, and my "must date non-ordinary people" phase. I quit dating men who lived far away (one of my favorite methods for not getting close to someone.) And I created a list of values I wanted to share with someone. For me, these included my attitudes about politics, family, religion -- even preferred types of entertainment. I used the modern online dating services--but I was rigorous about crossing-off anyone who showed the slightest hint of an abusive nature, even if it was 'all in fun'. & to my continued amazement, about 4 years ago I found the 'right guy'. We're not married yet. We're still dating. But he has been with me through thick & thin (including my episode of breast cancer & serious financial 'disabilities'.) He's stood by me during ups & downs with my family - and I've stuck by him, too, when he had job and health issues. Our relationship is a miracle to me, one I never thought would happen. It was easy from the beginning. We've rarely had major stresses and strains, and when we do, we talk about them immediately. We agree on the 'important things' so there's not nearly so much to fight about. I am very happy. I think you can find this kind of relationship too - & I believe that all of us who have suffered from abusive histories DESERVE this kind of cooperative, caring relationship. Don't settle for less.
By Susie