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Hi Jeanette.

I know what you mean by feeling like you have parts that feel "squished down." I did really good in therapy for quite awhile. But then I was told that maybe it would be best if I didn't discuss the past stuff- abuse, because I was having a rough time. So I kept everything in for quite awhile. It wasn't good. But then I had it in me that the past stuff and whatever was going on with the MPD/DID. I'd just talked about other things for so long, that I was stuck. My little kid personalities felt they had to follow the rule of not talking about the important stuff. So, I felt totally squashed down. It got so I couldn't tell what personality was who. Part of that was due to the integrations going on, and those integrating felt if they kept their identities hidden, they wouldn't be able to integrate. (They didn't want to integrate.)
At some point, when I could no longer hold everything in that I needed to talk about, I didn't feel as squashed down. But I never did get back full knowledge of all the personalities names again.
Whenever I got to a stand still, I would either take a break from therapy for a little bit, or try a new approach to things. Other times during a standstill, I saw that it was because one personality was supposed to start working on something and they didn't want to. So, I learned for me, anyhow, there was always a reason for the standstill. But no matter how many I had, they passed, and I moved back on in progress again. Hope this helps.

Best wishes to you.
Debbie E.

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Dear Jeannette,

Being at a standstill can feel so scary.  I remember wondering if my therapist was going to "throw me away too" if I didn't show signs of improvement or something every time I saw her.

It has been 12+ years since I have integrated.  I remember times when it felt like I was repeating the same things over and over again and that nothing was changng or ever going to change.   Then the system had an idea.  I call it the system because many times an idea would come up and noone would know where it came from.  I remember that back then, the "we" began to call that process "Somebody".  Whenever a great idea came forth to help enhance integration or recovery, the "we" called it "coming from Somebody".

Anyway, the idea was, that whenever the "we" felt "stuck", one of the alters or fragments would "try on" one of the "others" characteristics or behaviors.  Typically, it would be something like one of the rebels would draw, or one of the children would "act" like one of the "adults".  Sort of like role-playing.

Needless to say, this was the beginning of the major integration process.

All I can really give to you is something my very first therapist told me, which has proven to be the best advice in all of the 10 years I had been in therapy.  "Don't forget to breathe."

You have made it this far and I can vouch for the light at the end of the tunnel.  It's still there.  It hasn't gone anywhere.  I'll be one of the ones there waiting for you when you arrive.  Stay Safe.

By Sonya Rogers

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Dear Jeanette,

After being given phenylbarbitol at age 7 in order to control seizures due to a head injury, my path was somewhat bent away from the normal life we all see on
television. I still had seizures and was put onto many drugs much like a test rat after being sent to stay at several hospitals to live with assortments of juvenile delinquents older than myself. The scenes in movies about the new prisoners being beaten and tortured by
prison residents are very similar to what i experienced as a young lad in these hospital wards.

The guard staff were mostly uneducated,agressive in nature and impolite. I never knew why i was so different from most children until my twenties after i went on a mission to find out...

My parents were poorly matched. My father was a product of a home where he was taken to hotels with his mother to meet with men other than his father in
new york city during the 1940's.

 My mother of course then, was somewhat mentally unstable but apparently able to handle dad's anxiety and sexual difficulties. After awhile, she sought after other men as my grandmother did.

Always remember that without work towards identification, we seek what is (familiar) after trauma no matter how bizarre.

My mother dropped me off at a children's home for a year until my father got custody and took me back with him. He is the reason i did not have a very short life
even though he was part of an ongoing problem for me. The same verbally abusive words that came from his mother were spat upon me over and over again until i
moved out of the house and looked for some answers.

Observation is a must if you are going to get out of this hole,Jeanette. In order to survive when i was young, i had to observe the actions or words on my part that would ruin each day. Becoming much more quiet and keeping comments to myself around those it
did no good to disagree with became necessary. Inhaling to stop, to slowdown, to know it is ok given the circumstances was necessary when i felt tension or an (aura).

You see, not only did i have to avoid conflict because of the people's reactions, but i had to do it to avoid more seizures and further brain damage from each gran mal.

I discovered that what i put into my mouth was a very important key as to how i would live. No more sugar or caffeine. No smoking or street drugs. If you do any of
these things, you are prolonging your walk toward enlightenment.

 It was amazing to me to find out that so many people didn't know it was perfectly alright to live alone and have friends on the outside. To walk away from a family group that causes you chronic disfunction every holiday season. To say (no) to a parent you love that wants you to care for their parent because you know your limitations and want to be able to help them when they are slipping away from you for the last time...

I do not know your trauma but, i can tell you after saving someone's life from suicide attempts and endless mental ward hospitalizations that faith is the start and listening perfectly to someone that made it thru this maze is the process.

Anthony robbins calls it (modeling) i call it listening and repeating. Who says it all has to be your idea?

Remember that: the best way to always be alone, is to always be right...

The person i refer to had to get off all the medications, had to clean her system so she could read a whole book again. She had to take the advice of someone that told her to stay away from a vicious family if she was to survive. She had to find a way to forget the past for the most part and look forward again day by wonderful day.

It is our perspective, our way we view things that creates our future. Most people have a more centered perspective than those of trauma, Jeanette.

Before i understood things, i used to mimic the same words and behaviors of my family and never know the difference of my perspective. Someone had to show me.

I hope you have a better therapist than i and most of my friends did because, if they are thru insurance or county-paid, they have a limit as to how much they can treat you and can say you are fine when the insurance time is overwith. (big business again).

Do you go to a place of worship to listen and to sing, Jeanette?

If you go three or four times and the preacher does not reach your heart, find another and another until you you find the right one. You will... it may take a little time though.

Never believe someone that says you cannot be with others, with a new perspective,desire to be different,following a plan and ... Never giving up because you have a purpose while you are on this earth no matter what has happened in the
past and your future is up to you.

Mitch

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Hi Jeanette,

As I read your letter I was amazed because you have described exactly
what I am going through and how I feel, and although I have no suggestions or
real input I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I wish I could offer
you more but as I said I too am in this place of limbo. I do not have a job
but volunteer at a couple of places. I am not at the point where I could
hold down a job, but that is my goal. I am hoping that there are those out
there that can respond to your question so that I too might glean some
enlightenment. Don't lose hope.

Donna

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Dear Jeanette,

I had a similar  experence --  it  wasn't  my  personalities  being  squished  down  or  lacking  a  name. When  we  developed  a  good  co-conciousness I found  we  had  some  ability  to  lower  the  protective  walls  of  each  single  personality  and  blur  the  walls  and  barriers  enough  to  be  very  high  functioning.  To all  in  my  system  the  name  they  hold  or  own  is  the  most  important  possesion.  They  never  need  to  share.    Iit  belongs  to  them  and  them  alone.

After  the  bulk  of  my  therapy  where  giving  the  name  was  really  important, it  became   safer  to  simply  skip  giving  the  name  out. Remember  that  throughout  therapy  every  personality who was  in  recovery  had  changed  how  they  saw  things  and  what  they  believed. For  example, I   am one  of  the  adult  leaders. I  was  also  one  of  the  first  splits  I   feel  safe  and  comfortable  as  'polly'.  Another  adult  leader,  also  early  split,  is  'dolly'. I know  when  I   am  out  it's  me. Because dolly and I have  been  very  close I  recognize  her  fast. But  during  co-concious,  blurry,  blended  times  it's  easier  to  maintain  the  solid  group  cohesions  by  thinking  we  are  within  polly.  I   know  that  Try  knows  his name while  in  group, because  if  asked  he  gives  it  without thought. If  sally  is  there  she  could  say, "Me, Sally"     but  when  showing  their  individual  natures  the  co-conciousness  begins  to  drift  apart.

I have  an  age  group  who  holds  2  names.  One  never  gives  the  secret  soul  name; the other name is used in public.   Because  almost  all this group is teens  they  change the "use name"   at  will  but  don't  tell  us  what  or  why. It  took  time  to  get  used  to  this  name  game. But  now  the  only  time  anyone  really  needs  to  ask " Uh,  who  is  this?"  is  when  they  just  did  something  really  great  or  are  going  into  crisis  and  we  need  to  know  how  best  to  help.

Another reason to not give names out is, when  working  or  socalizing  our  friends  know  us  by  one  name. We  need  to  be  ready  to  respond  to  that  name  only. I   had  a  friend  named  'dolly'.  It   really  confused  my  inner  dolly  when  people  were  talking  to  our  friend.

Polly

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Jeanette, 

I've been over twenty years now at this. It still amazes me to read how well we are able to shift into that "out there" persona that carries us through a day in the real world only to come home to our safe abode and fall apart.  Or like you, taking the weekend crash course.  My own experience was that it became harder and harder to pull myself back together again to start even the next day.  It took its toll on my mind and my body.  When my children were younger I would hold it together until they were all in bed and then I would close my bedroom door and cry.  Sometimes I would catch a few hours of sleep unless I woke up afraid, from bad dreams or the many other things that kept us from sleeping back then.  At morning's light it was all I could do to pull myself back together for another day. 

What helps me the most now that I'm not working "out there" is a daily contact with my kin in my groups and within other groups for multiples on the web sites.  Just to know that there are others who feel just like me has helped me where no professional ever could.  I learned to listen to the signals my body and mind were telling me, because to not listen has been very painful in the long run. 

Co consciousness is like that.  I've given my parts an outlet without having to have them name themselves.  I just post what I feel and there are times, believe me, where I have opened up my mail and really liked what someone had posted only to see my signature on the bottom of the post.  I can laugh at myself now, but there was a time when doing things like that was pretty scary.  Now I laugh because I keep myself in safe places. That is the key to my sanity. 

You are always welcomed to come to the TALK ZONE and talk to others who feel the way you do.  We are in the resources link.  Good luck and know that just by coming here you have started to look for your answers and there are so many things out here on the web to help you with that. 

Lady J