Many Voices - Jan 04 Responses

Dear Sandy,

Just sitting here on Saturday night, divorced after 30 years, few, very few friends, and it is fine....Also spent the past l0 years with MPD/DID and PTSD diagnosis........Lynn's response probably a duplicate here.....I went to CODA meetings the first six years of my nightmare, and it surely was.......I played my first game of pool with a few of the people in Coda, I went to Halloween parties dressed in costume, and still was alone.......Then leaning toward Zen, Kabballa, Spiritual books/groups, became a Reiki Master, going to the New Age Events that come into town, writing groups, I started to change.......I am going to be 65 in December.....My kids (inner) have cried and have to accept we can no longer ride a bike (knee surgery), skate, and barely workout. No heels, you know the important things, right?????

But I have to tell you, I have never been more content or happier in my entire life. I don't know how to say it in a few words but coming together internally, feeling love, being able to sit on my stoop and enjoy the salamanders, the birds on the poles, the warmth of the sun, the love and gratitude is overwhelming. I too would like close friends who seemed to disappear during my time of need......I guess they have their own agenda and I having been so needy and codependent chose very much the friends that I needed all those years. Now I am closer to my Higher Power (whom I call G-d), and feel differently. Take yourself out of the "need" and stop looking for outsiders to fill the gap. When you are anxious to eat out, go to a restaurant. A movie, a coda meeting, anything to get you out. It works if you work it, and I know you will succeed,

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Dear Sandy:

I am 56, moved here where its warm but have no close friends. I just learned I have DID and PTSD. I feel lost and alone. I don't like to go anywhere most the time. If you just want someone to talk to I would be glad to have you share with me. You're not alone. Gods Blessings You can email me.

Violet

(Editor's note - Sandy, email me & I will forward Violet's address.)

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For Sandy:
I understand the need to rebuild a support system. I have had a major life change and am involved in the same issue. I found with help from my therapist that I was grieving and needed to let myself do that. She said it would take a long time.

Then I started looking around for places to be with other people. For me it was at a swimming class with people close to my age- about the same as yours. I found people were friendly and that they seemed to like me and welcome me.

I think that is the first hurdle because I always expect to not be liked,wanted, or needed. It just seemed to help to start slowly like this.

Then one day I saw a person from class in the store and we stopped and had a chat. From there I can imagine meeting for coffee and building a friendship. For me- it is finding a community where I feel accepted and after that- I think I can start to rebuild my support system I hope this helps.

Daisy

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Hi Sandy,

This is my first sharing through MV and I look forward to sharing in future.

I'm not young, either. I'm 54. At any age, there are always some type of common hobby or learning groups that one can join, where the pleasure that group members get from their shared interest becomes fhe focus of their discussion and their means to bonding.

I tried to join a card club (Euchre) but found that it was very competitive but then I thought of starting up my own Euchre club by advertizing for prospective members at my local Community Centre. Card clubs, sporting clubs (including those that would suit an older person, such as walking clubs, ten-pin bowling etc), bird-watching clubs, even reading clubs and those that explore historical landmarks can be unthreatening because the level of sharing can be safely manoevered around the subject in common.

What interests do you have, or *might* you have if the sharing was available?
Whatever way you go, it will require some initiative on your part. To stay safe, be clear first about what level of intimacy you are willing to engage in, and don't dissociate from your need for boundaries in the quest for company. It is too easily done. Good luck!

Epifani

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Dear Sandy,

If you're looking for people who are willing to share trauma information, there are groups like Al-Anon and other 12-step groups in most every town, where people are open about their personal situations and experiences. Even there, I'd be very careful about who I'd reveal to...I'd do a lot of listening before I talked to anyone privately about personal matters. But I'm very private about such things.

I prefer to socialize with people without talking about my "bad" experiences...ie, I just enjoy the human companionship and distraction from the day's difficulties. So I enjoy things like eating together (either in a restaurant or with friends at home, etc.) or watching non-violent videos together, or going for walks. Making new friends is an on-going process for me, tho I work harder at it when the # of active friends dwindles. One person I know just launched her "Friends of Vlasta" evening, which she hosts on Saturdays from 3-6. She invites people to bring a dish, share conversation etc. This is a good thought. There are dining groups for singles in my town where you can sign up and join people for a restaurant evening, though this could get pricey. Also scan the newspaper for events of interest. In my area, there are free or very low charge film screenings, many free events at the university, free concerts etc. When I wanted to meet new people, I attended these regularly. Perhaps there is something like this for you where you live.

Getting older doesn't have to be isolating.(I'm 59).But it does take some nerve to get out there and meet new people. If you're really nervous about this, talking to your therapist might help, too.
Good luck!

Lynn

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Sandy,
Rebuilding support systems in your situations must be scary. I'm 51 and have moved again in my life and had to build a new support system once again in my life.
Though so many more professionals accept dissociation now then they did even 10 years ago, there is still not a socially accepted label yet.

What has helped me most in the transitions in my life has been the support of relationship I found in online groups. Though many professionals will caution to be extra careful with some on line groups, I've yet to come across any dangerous ones. For some of our younger counterparts they have been triggered sometimes by subjects and posts some talk about. For the most part those of us who are much older play a great role in translation of meanings to other post. We've been through the war during a time when we couldn't speak about what it was like in our real world. I love watching these younger ones come to terms with the life of a dissociative person and gain so many more years of real living.

From my talks with others like us, it's the same feeling of loss whether you are 16 or 60. We seem to maintain just a few close friends that seem to accept us no matter what and it's hard to "break in" new ones. I've just moved again to a new neighborhood and I've met one person that I feel comfortable around but I've yet to be able to begin to tell her the story of my life.

You are welcome to write to me and talk more about it. I know that having these people online to talk to each day or read the post in the groups where I get to share what I've been through, makes me not feel so all alone. You are not in this alone. There's plenty of us out here.
Lady J