Many Voices Abuse Recovery -May 07 Many Voices Abuse Recovery

I had MPD, and had many fragments. I often described the switching as popcorn popping around. It could happen so fast, that it would leave me dizzy and confused. I understand what you mean about the confetti. It can be alot to handle. I'd no sooner have one fragment there, then another one would be there. It happened most often when I was stressed. So, I tried to think of someone I felt safe with, or someplace special, and that helped somewhat at times. Other times, I just couldn't get it under control. I was terrified to be around people. It was excrutiatingly painful for me. Since going through all my integrations, it has gotten a fraction better. Right now I am just forcing myself into social situations at church, where it feels safer than most social situations. That is helping, too. Before I started going to this awesome church last June, I sent the church a letter and shared with them about my MPD, and everything else. I wasn't sure about doing that, because 26 years ago I had done the same thing, and it went really bad. So bad, that I didn't go to church for 26 years. But this new church was so accepting of me, and protective of me. It helped me heal more.
As far as telling doctors about MPD or fragments- I started seeing a different Dr. 1.5 years ago. I wrote him a letter and mailed it to him. He was ok with it. But years ago, when I was taking childbirth classes before I had my child, I told the hospital coaches about my MPD. That didn't go so well. I'd heard after I had my child, that word was going around the hospital about all sorts of things that weren't true. I had some nurses that didn't want to even come in the hospital room with me. One would just ask from the door if I wanted something. I experienced the same thing a few years later when I had to have surgery. But at the same time, there were those nurses and doctors who were wonderful to me. After I had my child, one nurse would come spend her lunch hour with me. I'm glad I told the doctor I have now. Actually, I told him because I was going through integrations, and I just felt he should know about the MPD.

Hope this helps.
Debbie E.

**********************************************************************************

It means so much to know that there are others who share the same flicks and fragments. So many things in our lives are so forgotten... not much to remember since age 4. We have been away for so long and have finally found a good D.I.D. therapist where we live. I hope things get better for you as well. We are afraid to integrate for reasons we are not sure of since there are not many memories just little flicks. We hope to stay in touch.

********************************************************************************

Hi Pollyanna:
I hid for years the fact that my insides felt like a huge pane of shattered glass, only held together by the frame that is my outside body. I went through several therapists, one who did diagnose PTSD but who flatly refused to see DID and actually accused me of being too dramatic!

Finally I found a therapist who said I had DID. When I described my inner parts as shattered, she already knew that. She uses parapsychology to help me connect the shreds of memories that I have had. Though it still feels like I am sewing together a cloak rather than a seamless lifetime, the shreds are less disruptive as time goes on and my life is making more sense.

My therapist is able to channel the bits of energy or parts that I have dissociated and lost contact with. This has been extremely helpful for me and has also helped me to strengthen my own psychic self. I believe DID is scattered energy and so having a therapist who not only understands but can communicate directly with parts of myself that I have separated so far from that I have lost all contact has been life-changing for me.

I also think your cardiologist was brilliant in making the connection between PTSD and a possible heart problem. I have developed immune system deficiencies and also diverticulitis as a direct result of the trapped energy that presents as DID.

I think you are very brave for talking openly about how you feel. I was in therapy for years before I could talk about the energy shreds.

Sincerely:
Windwalker

Where to start. I think that it would be helpful for you to find someone who works with DID. Many psychiatrist etc. don't often believe in this diagnosis. I think that you cardiologist knowing that you have PTSD would probably suffice. Most doctors are only interested in knowing you physical symptoms and how to treat you.

Sure dealing with the pain of the trauma can affect us physically. At the same time I find that it is important to take care of ourselves physically as well as we can through diet, exercise etc. Processsing the pain that the you and your parts (fragments) carry is the hardest thing that you will ever do. There is a way to deal with all of the parts inside no matter how many or few. I have found that compassion for yourself and the parts goes a long way in working things out internally.

I'd continue talking with safe people about what is going on in your life, even though there may be few. You can probably find a directory for therapists that work with DID if the psychologist doesn't feel safe to you. Safety is required to do the trauma work.

I have been dealing with trauma work now for 14 years ( I don't say this to discourage you) and I have found that the parts begin to work together when you are able to parent them, give them what they need that is healthy, and become clearer about boundaries with self and other. I also feel hopeless many days but I know it is because I'm remembering. I have no social life (which has been a choice) in order to find my own serenity. So take care of yourself and I wish you well.

************************************************************************************

I don't think all who dissociate have separate 'selves'. It would be a mistake to expect to be like everyone else. If you feel as if you have a lot of fragments inside, I'd tell my therapist about it. I'm diagnosed as DD-NOS. And I had a lot of fragments once...I still have quite a few (& I've spent years in treatment). But part of what my therapist and I did together was try to consolidate the fragments into groups. That made my inside feelings more manageable.

If you talk about the fragments with your therapist, maybe the two of you can think of a good way to be clearer with your cardiologist.

Anyway--good luck to you. And I hope you find more comfort in the communication process.