Many Voices - Nov02 Responses

I think that it depends on how you view not losing time. I don't have amnesia for the present day events but have lost a lot of time from my childhood day. I consider myself a fused multiple and this not to say that at some time it could change depending on the trauma work. I doubted for a long time to that this could be real, but there are moments or times when memory or events in my present life help me to trust my process. It isn't uncommon for parts to write or speak in our heads at times. Personally, everyone on the face of the earth has parts of themselves they just may not have the extremes because of the trauma experienced.

The important thing is for these parts to know that the "adult you" is present for them and they are safe now. They will need to know that you can parent them (set boundaries, be compassionate and non-judgemental) as they reveal to you their needs. I have been at this a long time, and have a lot to still learn but loving yourself is key. Best to you.

About 11 years ago I began to get pieces of long ago memories that I`d hidden from myself...at first memories of sexual abuse...then a few years later , almost unbelieveable to me ...memories of ritual abuse. (at time I REALLY thought I was nuts! How in the world could something like that have happened to ME...and I wouldn't "remember" it????)

I have finally been able to "accept" that it is true (Well, most of the time anyhow.....sometimes I still have a hard time with it and wonder if I could possible have "made it all up") Anyhow....lately there have been questions about whether or not I have DID....I have wondered about certain "things" from time to time, but was told by my counselor, several years ago, who I trusted, that he did not believe that I was multiple, and I chose to believe him. (He had only been counseling for approx 5 years at the time, so I truly believe that he truly thought I wasn't, and of course I WANTED to believe that too!)

Anyhow, lately there has been much wondering going on inside of me...and I am "looking at" numerous "oddities" that are making me wonder again. I do not lose time in the same way that most DID people talk about.I have never thought of myself as "losing time". I also do not "hear voices" in my head the same way that others that have DID say they do.....of course I do "talk to myself" in my head...all the time...but does`nt everyone??? There are people who I meet on occassion who seem to KNOW me but who I don`t remember. (Maybe I`m just getting old...I am 53 now!) And sometimes I don`t remember certain other things that family and friends think I should....but none if it is MAJOR STUFF....just little everyday occurrences.

I do find myself always on the look out for potential "don`t get caught having forgotten" conversations.....so that I can protect myself when something gets said and I clearly don`t know what`s going on the in conversation....I`ll pretend I "momentarily forgot"...or misunderstood...so that the other person(s) don`t know I REALLY don`t remember.

Sometimes it is evident that I have forgotten and I HATE when I can`t cover good enough. (I`m just beginning to realize that most people don`t have to do this ...at least not as often as I do.) There is still a BIG SPACE of time that I do not remember (funny that I don`t call that "losing time" in my own head!) That is the time of being in the 3rd grade. All my life I could have told you every school I ever went to and most of my teachers names....all the way back to kindergarten....then a few years ago words came into my head that said "Whatever happened to the 3rd grade???" I was SHOCKED! I hadn't even realized the fact that 3rd grade was missing from my memory! I have called the school and found out where THEY say I went....and I would have sworn that I NEVER went to that school! (Strangly though....my sister who is 4 years younger than me went to that same school..... what would have been the very next year after they said that I would have been there....and I can not only remember that she went there, but also can tell you the room and her teachers name!) I DO find that ODD!

Anyhow...I have rattled on long enough.....I pray that you are doing well...and that if you are able to believe that you have DID ..that you are finding the help that you need and are coping with it. I just felt a kinship toward you when I read that you do not lose time or hear voices.....cause I have felt that i must really not be myself...since I do not consider that I have either of these things happeneing to me either. (Although, now that I reread what I wrote to you I do that to wonder!)

I also dissociate and have parts that may speak in slightly different ways yet I never hear voices or lose time. This has reinforced my belief that I'm only 'making it up'.

Actually there HAVE been instances of losing time but not in the sense of finding myself in a different place or time of day. I seem to protect myself by forgetting evidence of momentary lapses so I really have no idea how often it happens.

For example, I once woke-up while speaking to my supervisor about an inappropriate and bizarre subject. I have no idea what exactly I said and was mortified by the few words I said while I was coming-to. Also my boss looked at me in a way I couldn't easily forget - otherwise I'm sure I would have forgotten the whole thing.

Another time I was in a meeting with 4 mental health professionals at an out-patient facility. I was told the meeting lasted 20 minutes and I had lots of questions but I was not aware of ever opening my mouth. I would never have known I missed a thing except that they turned me away from participating in that day's program - based on the meeting. Did I later ask what I had said during this 'lost' meeting? No. I put it out of my mind for about a year and by then it was too late.

All in all, I'm aware of only 5-6 incidents in my life of lost time and it seemed to be only for a matter of minutes each time. I hope this hopes in some way. Take care.

Sometimes I lose time, but a lot of the time, I don't lose time. I usually know when another part is coming out and I often know who it is. We have learned to work together instead of having a war between us all the time to see who gets to be in charge, etc. A lot of my parts like to make crafts, so I try to be sure there is at least one craft project in the house all the time. Some of them love certain TV shows, so I either let them watch their shows or I tape record them so they can watch them later. We actually have a lot of fun together and their existence helps me not to get too lonely for the most part.

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Wanted to write because I too am multiple and do not lose time. Never did as far as I know. My alters come foreward as they will. I never know when or who is coming. I have not heard of many of us(who have DID) who do not lose time. Perhaps we could support each other. ZME

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I was not aware for the longest time that I did lose time! I didn't at first know how to recognize it or how to identify it...then when I did learn that I realized "about" when and I only was able to put together very, very small pieces of this puzzle inside me. As therapy progressed, I began to find "things" out of place....or a change in the calendar or I could even be somewhere else..like the beach or park. But you know...it was one of the others wanting to get out. Like the "kids" they love to color! So my therapist said get a coloring book. In the beginning I only felt safe in a fetal position on the floor in my bedroom...but see...I didn't know this until after I began therapy. May be we were "lazy" in that it was "convenient" to do whatever. But we had to be accountable and keep a job..so those times needed to be made aware of, identified as to if it was a good or a not so good thing to do. Be more aware of yourself and see if you don't find yourself "loosing time" with the evidence of things out of place, different dates and/or times, different handwriting (I use to find this in my check book...talk about a problem)...stuff like that! Laura

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One thing I have learned over these years is that though as dissociate personalities we have certain things in common, we are all different in our own way. I've communicated with many of us and the range goes from simple to almost beyond belief. One thing I've accepted is that even though the system is different from mine to them it is normal. I can remember back 20 years when I began this journey and how I was afraid to tell someone what was going on inside of me. I don't lose to much time anymore because I've learned how to keep myself in a safe place and my stress level down. Medication has been the God send for me as it is for most of us. Keeping the chemicals balanced so we can live and learn. If you can recognize the different parts of your system you are in a good place. For me it was accepting these parts for who they where I was able to learn their purpose in the whole. It took taking time to understand what triggers that part of me. For good or for bad. I'm at a point in my life now that I am usually able to see them as they come out and I believe for me that happens because I allow them to do what they do best. I say usually because as part of taking care of Me I keep myself in safe situations and around safe people that I trust. Keep asking questions , I've found that to be the best thing for understanding what this world has for me.