Send Your Replies to Anonymous about Boundaries and Treatment Plans

Anonymous,

My therapist always shared my treatment plan with me and maybe you need a new therapist. I wish you the best.

Judy H.

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Dear Anonymous,

I think you need a new therapist! I agree with Dottie that refusing to write and share your treatment plan is outrageous. Goodness knows we have all dealt with (and continue to deal with) enough "secrets" already.
Healing hugs,
Kate

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Dear Anonymous,

Your T sounds wise and caring. The boundaries are important and we appreciated our T honoring his boundaries when we couldn't figure out why our T didn't want us to touch. But he explained it to us and after awhile everybody got it. Then it helped us keep our boundaries and to be able to set boundaries. Sometimes it felt like our T was laughing at us too but that was not the case. We found out, like Lynn said, it was simply his one of his ways to help us lighten up a bit and to have a chance to see the situation differently. It took a long time for us to get that though. Sometimes our T and us are not on the same page and we have an agreement that when that happens we work it out-talk about what is bugging us. There is lots of caring in that action no boundaries are crossed in any way and no touching needed. That is what we have discovered. Our T has helped us to find ways to comfort and deal with the past parenting situations without having to touch. Hopefully you and your T can work it out.

Simon

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Dear Anonymous,

re: treatment plan
I think it is a good thing not to reveal too much of a treatment plan. If everyone knew what was coming it could be sabotaged by some and then become impossible to complete and therefore hinder your healing. Kind of like "what you don't know won't hurt you". It's hard to trust that, but you sometimes have to out smart yourself. Self sabotage as a defense mechanism can be a hard defense to break. Also, things change and plans need to be flexible.

re: parenting
Lord knows, we all needed better parenting! Unfortunately we can't turn back the clock. But I'm not sure that just changing the parent is the best solution. The ideal solution is to learn how to parent ourselves and internalize the good messages so we can do it ourselves for the rest of our lives 24 hrs a day/7 days a week/365 days a year. That is much more permanent and trustworthy than any external parent could ever be. A good therapist can teach you how to be a good parent to yourselves without crossing any boundaries. We all deserved better care than we got. In order to right the wrong we are the ones that need to take charge and do it ourselves. No one person can be there for us all the time, except us.

re: ongoing abuse?!
If you or someone else is still being abused then you need to get away from the abuser. Report it, STOP it, run away. Get help! Tell your therapist!!
First step in healing is to recognize and remove yourself from abusive situations.

re: crazy!
Crazy is a legal word whose definition is someone who doesn't know right from wrong. I'm pretty sure you know most of what's right from what's wrong. You may feel crazy and out of control but it will pass. It sort of comes with the territory. Don't believe anyone who tells you that you are crazy unless they have the degrees on the wall to prove they know what they are talking about. Abusive people are the crazy ones if you ask me. It makes them feel less crazy if they point fingers at the rest of us.

Take care, keep up the hard work, it really is worth it.
HB

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Dear Anonymous,
A long time ago, I thought I wanted the same thing regarding comfort and being held as a child.. My therapist sharply rebuffed our request and told us in no uncertian terms: "if you want to be hugged or held, find someone who can and will but it is not going to be me. I am NOT your friend. I am your therapist. You would not ask your medical doctor to do the same, would you? And, no I can't and I will not."

He was right. and I never even thought about asking again, no matter how bad I felt. I held a teddy bear or stuffed animals or cried on the phone with friends who understood. And I got hugs from friends and church people. We really are a lot stronger than we think . But when we are so upset, it takes someone to be strong for us and refuse some requests and tell us why and how to act. He actually is being a good therapist by refusing that request. It is not someting you want, even though right now you think you or some part of you does. It would mix the boundaries and it could lead to a lot of bad repucussions.

The treatment plan is YOURS. You should and ought to be a part or the biggest part of that plan. It is about you, not him. You have to sign it and know what is in it. It is not set in stone and can be changed according to your needs or issues that arise. I never heard of such a thing. You have to know what is being done with and for you. Otherwise how ill you know when you make progress or attain any given goal. He is wrong on that, I believe. I have always been very involved and active in any treatment plans. Don't let him or any therapist have that much contorl over you. That is in effect of saying you are not capable or not able to control your own life and I do not like the feeling I am getting on that one.

We do feel "crazy" during therapy times but it does pass. Remember what ever you remember HAS already happened. You are now remembering and re-living it again as if it was the first time, because we who dissociate never knew what happened as someone else took the abuse for the body. I believe you will be fine. Keep repeating good things to yourself/ves. I never went crazy and even though thought I would, am now a very strong woman and doing very well. All my best.

Dottie

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Dear Anonymous,

It certainly is difficult when you feel as if you're going to go "crazy" and everyone around you insists that you're fine.  I'm sure your therapist has a sound basis for believing you to be a person of sound mind who is simply dealing with some difficult material, "crazy" things that happened to you in the past.  I hope that together, you can put together some sort of "check in system", a list perhaps of the many "sane" attributes you truly do possess.

As far as "re-parenting" goes, it doesn't seem to me that we can ever really "re-parent", not even with our own parents since, as adults, that time has passed...our forming years of childhood are over.  I think that what all of us need to do as adults is to be able to "parent" ourselves...to create a trusting and nurturing relationship within ourselves where we are then able to recognize loving relationships as we enter into them with others.  Again, perhaps together with your therapist you can make a list of ways in which you can begin to "parent" yourself....where you can begin treat yourself with the love and respect you missed out on with your father.  One small thing that I do every day during my yoga practice is I kiss each one of my palms and then hold my face in my hands, reassuring myself that I will always treat myself with loving kindness.

I wish you all the best in your efforts to love and comfort all the amazing aspects of yourself. 
Lynda Wisdo

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Dear Anonymous,

I think - as an outsider and layperson (not a therapist) - that with the last comment, your therapist is trying to say that you are NOT "crazy" even if you're feeling upset. He may not be expressing himself in a sensitive way that gets through to all of you. It may sound as if he's laughing AT you. But I don't think so. I think he is clumsily trying to convince you that you are, basically, OK.

As for the "re-fathering experiences" you seem to want or request from him...that is very dangerous territory indeed. If you want something that involves any kind of touching, it could actually be called an "Ethical Violation" by your therapist's professional board. He could be kicked out of the therapy profession for breaking boundaries between client and therapist. You may imagine that it would feel good and healing to have him hold you...but frankly, I believe the risks far outweigh any reward. If you received the mail I do, from people who've been sexually involved with their therapists (both male and female therapists, by the way) you would understand why it is better to find other ways to comfort yourself and address the wounds your father gave you. It sounds to me as if your therapist is behaving in a wise and caring way, by refusing to "reparent." Perhaps you could ask him to discuss alternative ways to heal this injury without violating boundaries.

I do understand that these are very troubling issues, though. You probably won't resolve them overnight.
Good Luck!
Lynn W.