Dear Ryan,

If I could write a song, this is how it would go. I do hope this helps a little with your relationship.
Just a little love, especially when i need it
Just a little hug, especially when i ask
None of us are perfect, especially we're so many
Love us for who we are, as we all love you back
I will respect your boundaries, sure need you to do the same,
Don't give me a lecture on manners, when I laugh although it is sad,
Please when i am speaking, listen to me I'm important,
And these important special loveables, can be this way to you.....
m.f.

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please tell Ryan that the best way to help his partner is to believe and love all that the person can be. i have had a relationship with a partner who knows i am dissociate but he forgets to love all of us. he would be happy if only his favorite was there all the time. that makes me feel like he doesn't love all of me. just the ones that make him happy and satisfy him. i have moved out of his home again so that none of me will be hurt buy this. it's hard for him to deal with me leaving again but he also knows that i have to for my sake. it is hard to ask someone to be different then they are and that's something i have to respect in others as i want them to respect me. we have stayed friends for 4 years and we stay in contact even though I'm not living there. at least he does respect me for how i survive inside.
jacki

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Hello, Ryan.

What a tough thing it is to be with a dissociative partner. Both my girlfriend and I have varying degrees of this protective dilemma.

The most important thing I think is to take care of yourself and your emotional needs first. I find that K. and I cannot support each other much if we are burned out. A huge part of that is not trying to fix your partner's limitations. I learned that the hard way (many times unfortunately).

And as Jacki mentioned above, loving all parts of that person is critical! We are all struggling (dissociative or not) to accept the many facets of who we are. We need to be with others who do that as well.

K. has the gift of accepting the many parts of me more than I accept them. I struggle to give her the space she needs around sexual issues. Yet she cannot heal if I'm pressuring her to be intimate when she's not up to it emotionally. So giving lots of space for one's partner to take the time they need to help themselves is important.

And for me, lots of reassurance is helpful in those areas I have doubts about. E.g., being lovable, worthy of relationship, safe from aggression, right to set my own boundaries, etc.

Good luck, Ryan. I have so much respect for you asking like this!!

Bob