Thanks so much! - Lynn W

(Please send YOUR thoughts about recovery from trauma, for any month--we update these asap! - Lynn)

Anon2 writes:

Would people please describe their first-ever experience of 'switching'? I haven't done it yet in therapy and it scares me a little.

Thanks for your comments!

Please see or send replies to Anon2's question here.

Empty Now writes:

I'm dealing with the recent death of a loved one. Not a therapist or spouse or partner, but someone who never hurt me, only helped me. It is hard for me to access various Insiders to tell them that Person is gone forever, and wishful thinking won't bring her back. Some Insiders cry and cry. Others don't believe it at all. Still others play 'make believe' and seem to think they can "pretend" she's back in reality on this earth.

Has anyone here had this experience, and if so, what did you do about it? Suggestions?

Please see or send replies to Empty Now's question here

Another Anonymous writes:

I have found overcoming the mind control component of healing to be a much bigger part of my struggle than I realized. It seems that automatic thoughts, urges, and other distressing things are switched on, and once triggered by them, there is little I can do. Though I had many fragmented parts or ego states, I'm not aware that they are stilll separate. It seems integration happened in December 2011. Still I am struggling with tormenting fear, and the mind control issue. I'm wondering how other survivors have dealt with this, and overcame it.

Thanks so much!

Please see or send replies to Another Anonymous's question here

Overwhelmed writes:

We are a polyfragmented dissociated system with (at this moment) over 100 parts or fragments, bits and pieces. Not to mention layers upon layers. My trauma-trained therapist and the rest of us are still not sure yet if this is due to a ritual-abuse history or perhaps my system adopted a method of creating a new alter or part every time the body is under stress.

The system consists of male and female parts of many ages and capabilities, and even a few animal parts. Inner communication is often volatile, and some parts hate each other or try to hurt others inside -- and sometimes outside (which my therapist says is very dangerous to everyone).

We are trying to get this inside mess "under control" but would like suggestions besides simply putting parts in boxes to keep them from clashing with each other.
Any suggestions or personal experiences like mine will be appreciated.

Please see or send replies to Overwhelmed's question here:

Mary et al writes:

I answered a long-ago Sharing Q on the topic of different alters having different traits and/or experiences.

I'm still curious about what people think today about this stuff: My therapist and I are dealing with my need for different eye glass prescriptions for various personalities. I'm not going to take that to an eye dr w/ a ten foot pole! Can you imagine that situation? Even if one believed and Medicare paid, can you just imagine someone else (inside) popping out? I see the humor; it happened at the dentist once-not for scary reasons but fun. But still...is it possible?

& as I said to the long-ago poster, re: "electrical effects"--

My tv-it'd work for years and then not work. Because I was too poor to get it fixed I just wouldn't use it. And lo and behold a few years later it'd work. That happened to me at least twice, but they were used tvs so maybe that doesn't count.

Light bulbs-they would always go bad 'way sooner than they were supposed to. These light bulbs I use now are the only ones I don't remember it happening to. And I've used flourescent bulbs before. They too went bad very quickly.

In about a year I've gone through four or five DVRs. They just malfunction...recording a few minutes of a programed hour show, not taping a show at all, and more. In the '80s? '90s? I would would program my VCR to tape an evening of tv shows {at least three hours}. They'd tape all right, but often in the wrong order. For example, what I programed to tape at 7pm would have the 8pm or 9pm show first on the tape. This should be physically impossible. I'm only sharing this now because I now know that I can't be committed to a hospital just for having that happen.

So--What do YOU think? Have you had any of these "experiences" and what do you make of them? Thanks for sharing!

mary et al

Please see or send replies to Mary et al's question here:

Elaine writes:

How old were you when you first realized you were dissociative or traumatized? When were you diagnosed? I'm in my 20's, with (luckily) a good therapist. I think I'm making "progress" whatever that means. But I wonder if it is different to begin to understand and treat dissociation when you are younger, or older. I was able to complete high school, but college courses have been difficult for me and I had to drop out for awhile. I hope to go back when I feel I can handle it. I'd really like to know the differences regarding age-of-discovery and treatment. Thanks for your comments.

Please see or send replies to Elaine's question here:

Shy writes:

I need some advice and it requires me to reveal one of my biggest secrets. I am too ashamed to admit that I used to cope by cutting or bruising myself. I stopped when my cuts turned into scars and others began to ask questions. But I've never got over the desire to injure myself. Several times a day I have to fight it.

Am I doing the wrong thing? Should I just allow myself that one and only pleasure that I have, and have fewer problems elsewhere? After all, it did allow me to stay at my place of employment longer.

Please see or send replies to Shy's question here:

Z writes:

I have been having a lot of problems with government housing bureaucracy (HUD). Due to my mental disability and limited income I am unable at this time to live elsewhere. I complained because the social workers were not taking care of my particular needs, and the result has been nothing but trouble. I had every right to complain, but the complaint has backfired on me. It's even resulting in some legal complications. Has anyone had trouble with Section 8 or other types of government housing due, in part, to their mental disability? If so, please reply with what happened to you and what you did about it. Thanks very much!

Please see or send replies to Z's question here:

MV's Query of the Month for February 2012
Email your comments.

Abby writes:

I live in a very rural area, where I have not been able to find a good trauma therapist without driving more than 2 hours. Because of my location I also do not have a reliable computer service. I don't think I need to be hospitalized. I do pretty well on my own but I do still have nightmares and problems that seem to be related to dissociation. I love MV but probably need to talk to a good well-trained therapist. Oh, and I'm not wealthy, either. So I can't "afford the best".

Has anyone out there experienced similar problems? Or better yet, do you have a solution or two that might work?

Please see or send replies to Abby here:

Lynn W. (yes, THAT Lynn W.) writes:

I have learned over many years that I am a total klutz when it comes to expressing "feelings" - in therapy or out. Generally I use my intellect to analyze, plan, organize my life and remake my behavior in what I believe are positive and useful ways. I've always explained to the different therapists who tried to "get at" my feelings that I was not in a safe position to do this. I have been single and self-supporting for over 45 years. I do not have a trust fund. I do not have "back-up" emotional support that I consider "safe". And (ok, honesty comes first here) I have never completely trusted anyone but myself -- no therapist, friend, or lover. So daring to experience "feelings" and express them fully to another human being --therapist or not-- seems very dangerous to me.

Function comes first for me, always--and having a reasonably stable lifestyle with friends, family, and both professional and non-professional acquaintences. I have not had major dissociative experiences that interfered with my life for a couple decades. I have always been able to work (although recent illness has hampered that considerably, alas.) And I have many interests outside the work I do with MANY VOICES.

However, my grief counselor insists that I "journal my feelings" --especially about a loss that happened years before I lost my beloved Ray. I admit that long-ago loss DID restrict my lifestyle for several years, and I don't like it that I let this happen. I do want to change that behavior. But what use will writing about "feelings" do for me? What good has it done for YOU? How do you even start to let "feelings" out without knocking yourself into an emotional collapse, especially if you don't have a spouse or supportive other? Can you still function properly in the "outside world?"

I started MV with the concept of trying to learn what it means to "get better" from dissociation and trauma. I think I've done a pretty good job of it. But maybe there's more I can learn from you. Please share your experiences and advice, pro and con. Thank you!

Please see or send replies to Lynn W. here:

Amber writes:
I have periods of what I call violent switching every few minutes, from one inside person to another carrying a strong emotional state, to another--although I am mostly or somewhat aware of what is happening. This usually happens when I am under severe emotional stress. The rapid switching can be a matter of minutes to hours (most of a day), but often many times within a day. Does anyone relate to this?

Thanks for your comments and any solutions you may have found for this problem.

Please see or send replies to Amber here:

Nancy writes:
What is merging like? What are signs and symptoms of progress?

I think I am merging some because instead of referring to one of my alters liking pretty things, I found myself saying "I like pretty things." Also, we were at a party, and I asked my husband to pocket the card of the caterers. He asked why, because the food wasn't that good. I replied that perhaps the price point was excellent for having 110 guests--a typical thing my alter Tom would have said. But Tom didn't come to the party--three others did.

So I think there is some merging going on. I was so relieved to know that the essence of my alters is still there. I was always afraid that merging would kill them, though my therapist always said they would not.

What do YOU think? Thanks for your thoughts.

Please see or send replies to Nancy here:

JoEllen writes:

I have a Q for the rest of you. Does anyone else require a recovery time after therapy appointments? Whenever I deeply dissociate during a therapy appointment I often emerge groggy, unsure of who I am, equilibrium is off and I am unable to drive, use a telephone, or function. This is particularly dangerous if the therapist doesn't realize I am in this confused state before sending me out the door. A couple of weeks ago I sat on a park bench on the corner outside the therapist's office for a long time, totally debilitated. I have since warned my therapist of this, and now she insists I rest in an empty office after every session to be sure.

Thanks for your input/advice.

Please see or send replies to JoEllen here:

Susie writes:

I do not "tell the whole world" about my trauma history. I always tell the truth (as I know it) to my therapist, and we discuss it thoroughly, but I've been reluctant to share much "inner knowledge" with others who are not aware of my background.

I'm curious to know what other people "tell" and how they determine who is "safe" to discuss details with. Have you had problems with telling too much-- or with not telling "enough" to the people close to you? I'd love to know your experiences with this to help me decide how to handle it.

Thank you!

Please see or send replies to Susie here:

Helen writes:

Does anyone have experiences like me? I have a dissociated part that I have just begun to dare look towards. Earlier when it hit I thought I was going mad and would do anythnig to make it stop. Now I recognize it as some traumatized set of feelings.

It's in a totally visceral form- I feel really ill,exhausted, headache, as if my head is blocked. My thoughts seem incoherent and almost as if there's a silver waterfall of disconnected thoughts, each produciing a thumping heart and a cold chill over my body. It is as if reality is fragmenting, and I cannot escape.

I'm writing this to MV as the first step to making this less my own personal terror and shame-filled-hell, and more an interesting psychological trick of survival. I am doing EMDR and know that this can heal things in an unbelievable way. I believe I can get through this. But knowing I am not alone in having a personal surreaall and indescribable hell to battle with would be good on the way!

Thank you for your comments.
Please see or send replies to Helen here:

Elle writes:

I know I was very abused as a child, from birth until I left home at almost 18. I am on disability for PTSD but my therapist and shrink say it's actually C-PTS. My therapist says she doesn't think I have DID. My main issues are this:

I don't like to think about my past, but my brain goes over and over it obsessively. I can't seem to stop (it's very hard, I mean).

I seem to need my good friend to tell me it was wrong, over and over. I know as I write it that it was extreme, but often I don't feel anything. Then my brain tells me I must be a liar because I am not emotional.

I have nightmares all the time. They usually involve being hunted by my mother and trying to run away from her and the dream seems to stretch on forever. If you have ever seen the movie "Flight of the Iinnocent", my dreams are like that. I run through forest, out of the towns I lived in and to different cities. Even television characters who I like when awake (Olivia Benson and Elliot Stable from Law and Order SVU, for instance) become my enemies in the dreams.

I always feel pretty freaked out and nervous, and when I am not thinking freaky thoughts, my muscles are still tense. One of my good friends says he has never seen me relax, not even for a second. I don't really like or trust my therapist either.

Any suggestions on what to do about this?

Please see or send replies to Elle here:

A. writes:

I am a person w/PTSD and I do dissociate. I am looking for help regarding anger. I do not need anger management, because mostly I am unaware of my anger and carry it like a millstone around my neck,. Rather, I need to get my anger to the surface and release it. I really need help with this.

How did you learn to find and safely release anger? Any suggestions?

Please see or send replies to A. here:

Pegge writes:

I am curious to know how many other readers of MV experience synesthesia, or a mixing of two or more different senses, such as seeing colors while listening to music, or associating particular letters or numbers with specific colors (red for the number one, yellow for the number two, etc.)

Here's another site (in a couple different languages) that you might want to explore:

I am a synesthete, and use my condition to contribute to my creative art work. But there may be unexpected psychological aspects for some of you, too. Please share your experiences...it could be interesting!

Please see or send replies to Pegge here

Sandy writes:

I fall into the category of someone who developed DID without being sexually molested. I am 68 years old and feel alone. I have not found others who have DID without severe sexual abuse except me. Everything I've read so far stated that 99% and often perhaps 100%, experienced this, and I did not.

Also, I live in an area where there are very few counselors who believe in or work with DID. There are no DID support groups, and almost no support groups, period. I would really like to hear from others who share my sense of isolation, especially those who developed DID through emotional or physical abuse, not sexual abuse. Please write and share your experience. I would really appreciate support!

Please see or send replies to Sandy here.

Pat writes:

We have DID as well as Agoraphobia with Panic Attacks. I've received other diagnoses as well. I currently see both a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist, and have worked with them for many years. But after a very distressing hospital experience, I am afraid of being hospitalized again. I am still dissociating often, and I am afraid of becoming housebound again due to the panic attacks.

Does anyone have suggestions for dealing with agoraphobia and panic attacks? Answers will not solve all my problems, for sure, but if I could get past the panic it would be a step in the right direction.

Please see or send replies to Pat here.

Mary writes:

I have what is called a "conversion disorder." This emotional condition involves physical or neurological symptoms that can be quite disabling. I went almost a year unable to talk. Then I started getting gastrointestinal problems. When that happened, I was suddenly able to talk again. It is very frustrating. I wonder if any other MV readers have had conversion disorder, what body parts or functions are affected, and what you have done to work with this most-distressing condition.
Thank you for any comments or advice you can give.

Please see or send replies to Mary here

Dottie writes:

Does anyone with DID have binge eating disorder, is diabetic with high blood pressure, taking insulin, who loves sugar? What do I, We, do? Artifical sugar won't work as we eat it all anyway at one or two sittings. I believe the fake sugar sets me up for a binge as I just did. Feel terrible with blood sugars over 400 and heart rate fast. All I want to do is sleep or eat. How do I manage holidays? I hate living like this!

Here's an example: I made an almost sugar free pumpkin pie with only a quarter cup of sugar and a eighth of a cup of molasses,10 packets of Sweet and Low and it was gone in two days. All by myself. And I tried hard not to eat it all at one time. It just dissappeared, as did the sugar free apple crisp. Yesterday, somewhere in my travels I bought a box of small ice cream bars. Not sugar free but they were small and 16 of them, so I thought how great. I'll have them for quite a while. NOT. Only 6 left today. I had 3 this morning and the rest I had yesterday sometime between 3 and bed time. I just threw out the rest of them and I hated to but they are in the dumpster, as I type.

I CAN'T do this anymore. I'm sick of keeping track of everything and scik of feeling so awful. I've been keeping track of calories, carbs, sodium and saturated fat. I am sick of doing it and want REAL food. Guess I haven't even had a vegatable for three days. And I wonder why my heart rate is fast; all I want to do is sleep and don't care about cooking as I'm too tired! I love to cook and make great meals when I am able and want to, but that can get worse when binging. Like today, I had no idea what I had for food until I made myself sit down and we all wrote about it. I've had almost my whole total of calories and over the limit of carbs for the day already but supper and bed time are not anywhere near. I'm trying hard but sometimes I get sabatoged especially at CHRISTMAS. I need sweets and candy and good fun food. Sweets and baked goods are my speciality in cooking. I'm not a good meat cook at all. Help!

See or send replies to Dottie here:.

Colleen & Everyone writes:

I have a question/problem. I have had to apply to go to a new school where they gave me a placement test. I went completely blank when it came to the math placement tests. I have never seen that material in my life. It seems that one of my other alters learned this stuff. It was embarrassing to say the least, and I have been feeling suicidal as a result. Mom always said I was retarded and now I find that she may have been right. I just don't know what to think. Does this happen to other people? How do they handle it?

See or send replies to Colleen & Everyone

JT writes:

Recently, my sessions in therapy have led to a very sensitive topic. SHAME. Of all the therapy I've done, I've NEVER dealt with this specifically.
It is a HORRIBLE feeling and a HORRIBLE topic. I feel like I've "Opened Pandora's Box." I'm even wondering : "Do I want to go there " or just leave it alone?

Should I pursue this VERY PAINFUL topic? Or just leave it alone?
I'd value any response. Thank you!
See or send replies to JT

MyTurn writes:

I see that the Dec 2010 topic is Anger Management, but I don't want to wait until December to get some ideas. When you wake up in the morning, so angry that you want to spit and throw things, what do you do to get out of that mood and into something more constructive? That's what happened to me today and I need help! All comments welcome.

See or send replies to MyTurn here:

Anonymous writes:

My T (therapist) will not write or tell me his treatment plan. My T will also not agree that helpful elements would be "pseudo-surrogate-re-fathering experiences" to help counteract damage done by male parent's ongoing abuse and terrorization.
I feel sure I'm going, or going to go, crazy, but T just laughs and says, "You don't have any crazy in you and you never will."
What do you think about this?What should I do?

See or send replies to Anonymous here.

Ann Marie writes:
After years of therapy, I am still struggling with intimate relationships. When do you tell someone you're interested in that you have DID? Sometimes just mentioning it ends the relationship. What can I do about that? And how do you live with someone else if you dissociate-- whether it's a friend or a partner? I'm open to all suggestions.

See or send replies to Ann Marie here.

S. writes:
In addition to having a dissociative disorder, I have very serious medical problems and physical limitations, and must transport a large tank of oxygen everywhere I go. I live alone. I have no relatives in this state. My children tell me to move closer to them, but my gut says that is not a good idea.

I used to have friends and contacts in this area where I live, but many of my friends have passed on. Making new friendships while dragging around an oxygen tank isn't easy. I can use Google, but I'm not able to concentrate enough to use email or other internet options successfully right now. (Lynn will help me receive your responses.) As you see, I have a lot of concerns- but my most critical question is -- what do you do to get beyond the fear of the past to make safe choices about where to live, what to do about medical care, how to renew a local support system?

It's just so difficult for me right now. I get Meals on Wheels, but I am afraid to make further phone calls about finding local caretakers because I am so afraid of winding up in an abusive situation again. I would welcome suggestions on any part of this situation - living alone, with dissociative disorder and a serious medical condition.

Oh - I've been in therapy for dissociation for about 20 years, but for some reason this topic has not (yet) been a priority in therapy.
Thanks for your comments.

See or send replies to S. here

Nicki writes:

I was on disability for six years. About 8 months ago I went back to work, but it's very stressful. It seems as if my "parts" have left me to handle everything on my own. It's not like any fusion has occurred. I'm only a small fraction of a person. You might think I'd be thankful for the silence, but I'm having a hard time functioning without my parts. I don't understand why I can't communicate with them. Where did everyone go? And how do I get the parts back again so I can have help dealing with my life? Does anyone have advice or suggestions for me?

See or send replies to Nicki

Theresa writes:

My Therapist says I need to keep myself busy. I feel like a total failure. It has not been my mission to "dwell" on the abuse, but if I go to sleep, it happens over and over again. So maybe it isn't actually happening right now, but it feels like it happened last night! I've even started seeing things and feeling things crawling on me--this makes me feel even more like a freak. My depression is out of control, I cry a lot, and feel like I am going backwards. I feel so alone! Any suggestions for any of this?

See or send replies to Theresa.

Jan writes:

My therapist was unavailable to me for a couple weeks due to illness in his family. Two weeks is not that long, and I have gone for longer periods without him in the past. But this time it really threw me into a tailspin.

I have realized that I am much too dependent on him at this time. Thanks to therapy, I have the skills to live and thrive, but I have to learn to use them.

Has anyone else felt too dependent on their therapist? What did you do to become more independent or find other sources of support? How do you actually put into practice the skills you've learned in therapy? Thanks for any comments or suggestions!

See or send replies to Jan here.

Connie writes:

I am recovering, but parts of myself don't feel fully connected to my body. To improve body awareness, I am practicing Yoga, doing Tai Chi, and I get massages. I would like to know if other MV readers feel a lack of connection with their bodies, and what they are doing to be more aware of their physical self.

See or send replies to Connie here.

Jill5by5 writes:

I have Fibromyalgia, Myofacial pain, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I need to work at home. Are there other members of the MV community who have found ways to earn money from home? What are you doing, or what have you tried? Any pointers? I'd love to have more information on work-at-home offers that aren't scams.

See or send replies to Jill5by5 here.

Denise writes:

Could we discuss going to the dentist? I would like to hear from peers who have experienced tooth pain, tooth loss, etc. I know some people are frightened by dental work, but I don't mind going to the dentist when I have to; I just hate losing teeth and having depression over the pain.

Any info or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

See or send replies to Denise here

Vivian M. writes:

It's very rare that my one and only child part is fronting while driving a car, but that's what happened following a particularly triggering day at work. My call center shift ends at midnight, by which time incoming calls decrease and side-conversations break out among fellow agents. Some agents got discussing child abuse, and before long, I found my mind dominated by my 7 year old alter for the last hour and into the drive home.

My adult self remained seated in the background of my mind so to not only cover up behavioral symptoms of my switch, but also to help operate the body's auto-pilot to drive my car and my selves home. I felt again like a novice driver while my child mind marvelled that she could drive a grown-up's vehicle.

Perhaps I am fortunate that I had a gasoline powered go-kart to drive since age 8 and that I've been driving street cars for 17 years. I recognize that despite my childhood experience with motor vehicles, I should work inside with that child part to prevent her fronting while street driving in the future. My 7 year old part is very stubborn to give up fronting until she's ready, and now I want to use the issue of driving as motive to address making her more willing to step down, especially at important times such as operating a car.

How do other people manage their younger parts while confronted with tasks like driving a vehicle? What sorts of things do others do to get the child part to step down at times like that when adult consciousness is required?

See or Send Replies to Vivian M.

Dan asks:

Would others who use medications for symptom-relief from trauma share their experiences with side-effects? I took high doses of effexor/trazadone and later wellbutrin/prozac for several years. At the time, I was developing into a successful artist, but once on medication, my ability to create artwork collapsed. I lost touch with my ability to paint. I lost the ability to cry, to dream, had no desires or passions. In affect, I was flat as road kill...and I gained 80 pounds without changing eating habits.

In 2000, I went off psych medications with the help of my primary doctor. Now, 9 years later, I can dream, cry, and lose weight. I still hoping to get my creativity back.

I would NOT want to encourage people to stop their medications...but I would like to know if others have experienced "blankness" when they were on meds, and what they did about it. And do you think meds kill creative ability? Or is there another explanation? Thanks for your comments.

See or send responses to Dan

Sabrina writes:

I would like to know how MV readers are dealing with the change of life--Menopause. For me it's been a disaster. My menopause has hit me like a mack truck, and the hormonal changes have brought on flooding. It has been like I am starting over from scratch with healing. Some memories long buried and forgotten came up during this time. It's too deep for me, sometimes. I mean, I remember all the old ways of bringing yourself back into the present, but my goodness, some of this stuff I don't WANT to remember anymore. It is the past.

See or send replies to Sabrina.

Brenda writes:

I've been in treatment for a long, long time. Recently I read an old issue of MV where a woman said she received enough healing in 2 years to get on with her life.

I am working part-time, as much as I can. But I am still struggling with getting through the day! What am I doing wrong? Does anyone have suggestions on how I can speed things up?

Thanks!

See or send replies to Brenda.

J. writes:

I am comfortable with being more-than-one, and do not want to integrate. I think my internal clan is normal for me. Lately though I seem to be stuck. My "people" still exist but seem unable or unwilling to take the front or be in control. We can't seem to communicate clearly back and forth. I feel bad about losing my inner world. Any suggestions?

See or send replies to J.

Isabel writes:

Does anyone have good suggestions about how to stay centered or grounded when I am overwhelmed? Lately I've been stressed out about work, money, love, you name it. I've been trying to stay "present" and calm, but so far, it's not working very well. Is there a secret method people use to stay "in the now" instead of freaking out? Help!

See or send replies to Isabel

Alpha writes:

This country is full of cultural diversity. I wonder if any readers consider that their family/ancestral culture has had an impact on their state of mind and way of life. Do any readers draw on their cultural heritage to draw strength, insight and healing? I wonder...

See or send replies to Alpha

N. writes:

Sometimes I regress after reading MV's news letter. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I sense triggers and wonder if maybe I don't have DID. I wish I didn't. Will I heal?

My therapist says I am progressing very fast, though I feel it is very slow.

What do you do if you are triggered? Do you ever have doubts about your diagnosis? Do you think you are getting better? How can you tell?

See or send replies to N.

Michael writes:

I e-mail my therapist. A lot. I was wondering if anyone else does.

It serves many purposes. It gets some things out of the way so we do not have to spend time in therapy on them. We work some things out on our own. We can kinda warn her what is coming up and in real way warn ourselves. It is one way communication, she does not e-mail back. The agreement is that she reads everything we write. She gets behind and does not read over the week-end. That does not matter.

Sometimes it is an exchange between parts of us. Done in different colors. Sometimes it is just plain chatty. We saw a falcon or a shooting star. Sometimes it is used for organization. Sometimes we are mad at here and it is a safe place to figure out why.

Many things that we write about are over by the time we see her. It serves to let us know what is not yet over.

To keep it manageable we do not send attachments. We are aware that some do not write or even use words and that they can be left away if we are not careful.

Michael F. F.

See or send replies to Michael F.F.

MaryK writes:

I'm seriously considering going on social security disability after many years of working. I have already filed, but sometimes feel bad or embarrassed about doing it. If you have been on disabilty, what is your experience with it? How did you set goals for yourself when you were not working at a job? Do you think you made faster progress in therapy because you went on disability? Did you finally get off disability? Please share your experience. Thanks!

See or send replies to MaryK

Cynthia writes:

My mother was dissocative, though never formally diagnosed. Although I am not dissociative, my life was obviously not a piece of cake. I've had a lot of therapy to try to understand myself and my situation. Mother died over a year ago, and I find I am still troubled by the past. I've worked very hard to deal with this. Does anyone out there relate to this problem? Would you share what you have done to deal with being a child of dissociative parents?

See or send replies to Cynthia:

N. writes:

Does anyone know of successful programs for recovering alcoholics besides AA? I don't mind the "Higher Power" message, but I really don't like "sponsorship". I went to meetings for over a year. Worked the steps. Gave it an honest shot. But I don't like the idea of having someone in charge of me, i. e: a sponsor. I just want to go somewhere or talk to someone. Any suggestions?

See or send replies to N.

Kay writes:

Thanks for your help!

See or send replies to Kay

Collette writes:

I am tired of being wrapped up in therapy 24/7, so I am trying to find some activities outside therapy that are fun and might help me find new friends. What do you do for fun that has nothing to do with therapy? Do you do some fun things alone (or, well, with 'others' inside)? Do you tell the outsiders you're with that you're in therapy? Or do you just keep that to yourself, at first? (That's what I want to do. Is that lying?)
Thanks for your help!

See or send replies to Collette

Jenn writes:

I am wondering about given names. I have never felt like my name was who I was. Jennifer was just something I was supposed to answer to when called. As an adult I use a shorter form of my name. Sometimes I use my given name when talking to people. Other times I use my nickname. In my family we were not allowed to have nicknames. I was told that "Jennie" was the name for a female jack ass and I was not allowed to be called by that name. Now, as an adult, I am confused by which name is my "main" self. My therapist has used both names in different sessions and there has always been an objection by some inner part on the name used. Has anyone encountered this problem, and if so, how did you resolve it?

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Daisy writes:

I've been dealing with DID issues for over 15 years. A few years ago I stopped seeing a counselor because it is no longer something I can afford and I handle life well now. But recently I have begun waking up in the middle of the night and hearing a voice tell me how ugly and disgusting a person I am. It goes away when I am awake,. I am not aware of it in the daytime. I have eating issues and I think the voices must be referring to that. Does anyone have some suggestions to the voice in the night? Maybe it's time to journal or something. I am sure this nighttime voice must be affecting the rest of me somehow...

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Connie writes:

I recently had an incident that I thought it would be best not to tell my little one. I wanted to keep her from the trauma. However, she found out anyway. Not knowing what to do, she kept it to herself and started to feel very alone. Expertly and gently guided by our therapist, she told us. The question is  - should secrets be kept from little ones? My therapist has her own ideas but would be interested in yours also.

Also-- to integrate do little ones have to grow up or is it enough to be more knowledgable?
I would appreciate any replies.

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K. writes:

I recently returned home from an excellent inpatient experience. In working with my parts inside we were introduced to 2 new parts, one who is a twin of another part inside. I have a sense there is another part inside who is also part of the twins which would make them triplets.

What makes this so interesting is I am a triplet. Myself and my one sister are identical and my other sister is fraternal. Does anyone else have a similar experience, and do any of you know if there is any informaion on "multiples" with multiple parts?  Thanks for sharing your information.

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Denise writes:

I've heard about how important it is to honor your parents. I'm really confused about how to honor my parents when I have been abused. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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Michael & Crew writes:

We often find it difficult to get a good night's sleep. It seems some of us are up all night working on something, but there are others who are asleep. We are wondering if anyone has suggestions for getting all of us asleep at the same time.

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Ann Marie writes:

How do people with DID date and handle sexual encounters?  Every time I get close to a guy, my angry part comes out and beats the hell out of him. Needless to say, it ends the relationship. It always happens when things turn sexual. When my angry part takes over, she ruins everything!

I spent three years with a man I wanted to marry. I truly loved him, I wanted us to get married, and he wanted the same. He was the first person I told about having DID and he was so supportive. But when the relationship turned physical, my angry part punched him in the face and gave him a black eye and a busted lip. He left me that night and broke up with me.

He came back months later, but only as a friend. I know it's not fair for me to ask for anything more than friendship from him. He can't handle my angry part--and I can't handle my angry part! Others in my DID support group have the same problem. Does anyone have good suggestions about this? It seems like it's a big problem for lots of people.

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Katie P. writes:

I've been aware of being dissociative for about two years. Just recently I started wondering if I'll ever go back to feeling real and here, or if I'll feel gone and  inhuman the rest of my life. Has anyone had experiences either way? Also, I have no local support groups. Any suggestions?

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Paulette writes:

When you can't control your outer panic, is there another human being you can get in touch with, in the middle of the night, to help with grounding? Help lines, for example?

I don't want to call my therapist all the time, & I'm feeling so alone with this problem.

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CL writes:

Some of our alters have very violent flashbacks that no one but them remembers. I think maybe they are made up so what really happened doesn't seem as bad, or maybe they are from movies or TV. Don't know why this would be. What do you think? Very vicious memories, don't seel like they could be real.

If you have ways to tell between what was 'real' and what is 'imagined', please share.

Thank you.

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ME writes:

I am interested to know what the laws are regarding a therapist reporting past abuse. My husband recently told his therapist that I was abused as a child. Apparently, his therapist was perturbed that MY therapist didn't report the offender (who abused me). I was in therapy for many years and have completely integrated. Was my therapist required to report? I thought a therapist only had to report imminent danger to self or others.

I have not ever had clear memories (tho my husband doesn't believe me), except one, and that could be more physical than sexual abuse. These occurred a gazillion years ago. If my therapist had ever reported, I probably never ever would have felt safe enough to trust him. If anyone knows the answer to this question,I'd appreciate it.

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Artsy writes:

I've found a lot of help and soothing through drawing, painting, sculpting, and even playing music that expresses what I feel. However I don't have a therapist right now who can help me figure out what some of this means. So I have two questions: #1- are there any good resources that might help survivors understand how to interpret their own artwork or creative expressions (safely) and #2 - what forms of creativity have you used to help you feel better or improve functioning?

I understand that ideally, I'd have an art therapist or something to help me with this. But I bet I'm not the only survivor of abuse who doesn't have enough $$ to buy therapy services on a regular basis.

I'd love to get answers from therapists as well as survivors. Thanks!

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Coper writes:

I have several alters inside. But they only seem to come out when there is a lot of stress/trauma. I want to learn co-consciousness. I have experienced it a couple of times, but I was not in control. I was present, but in the back just observing. I want too be able to come out and talk to them and comfort them and let them know that the abuse is not still going on. My biggest trigger and fear is blood. If it is mine or someone I care about- I split in a second, and may not come back for hours. This scares me, as someoe I love could bleed to death, and I would be hiding in a closet or something! I don't know who the memory belongs to, but I have a feeling it is someone very young. Please help!

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Steve writes:

Does anyone out there have good information about panic attacks? Are these common for people with dissociative problems?

I seem to have a problem with panic attacks, which crop up once in a while, unexpectedly. I'm taking a very few milligrams of a beta blocker daily, and that seems to help, as does spiritual contemplation.

When the apparent panic attacks started I didn't know what was happening, and I thought I had a serious blood clot or something going on. I had a battery of heart tests at that time, and nothing came up, so it appears that I have either an undiagnosable heart condition, very bad acid reflux type digestion problems, or occasional panic attacks.

In most ways right now I'm encocuraged because I'm more in touch with my feelings and I'm avoiding the desire to flip out and dissociate.  However, it appears my body doesn't know quite how to deal with the fact that I'm not dissociating as a way of dealing with stress or threats.  I'd like to be able to get my panic attacks under control a little faster. If you have ideas to share, please pass them along.

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Susan writes:

I recently moved to a new area, and need to find a local therapist. I already have a few names of people who are supposed to be qualified in treating trauma. But what should I look for? Does anyone who went through this have guidelines that they used to make a good selection?

Thanks for your help.

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Paul writes:

I'm a man who experienced clergy sexual abuse. I know there are others out there like me, but I feel weird discussing this in a group. How long does it take to get over this? Any suggestions?

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Lys writes:

As a long-time friend of a woman who recently told me she was abused as a child, I want to know how to help. I'd welcome suggestions from partners, friends or people who share her experience and are working hard to recover. What are the most important things I can do? I get pretty scared about her situation, sometimes. She seems pretty desperate, though she does like her therapist.

Thanks if you can help!

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Pollyanna writes:

For years I felt I couldn't do what all the wonderful people who dissociate do. I couldn't find real 'selves' or find complete time periods to work or feel. Instead, my awareness is little ripped time fragments, like Ali Baba sitting on his flying carpet charging into an overwhelming precision of some thought or activity. Then, time ripped and a different response or different particulars, but now watch carefully those neighbors or family or church friends around me. What has just been said or done by me, that they look at me, or laugh? --Jolt! Some other ripped tattered fragment is meeting the demands of responding. But I didn't want my psychiatrist to know.

Sure, they know I dissociate, but I didn't want anyone to know how very little there really is inside this body with two arms/legs and a head. It's just scraps, tatters and useful fragments for only certain tasks/certain situations. My fear of social exchanges has provided me with a very thin veneer/support system. There are too many fragments! They are like confetti at a wedding. I wish I could just walk through the confetti into a blissful future. My intense emotional stress has left me with a heart problem I hadn't detected, and I have yet to feel pain. How do I explain what I can't explain to my cardiologist? He asked me if I had had post traumatic stress syndrome. I said Yes, and left it at that...

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Wendy writes:

I'd like to hear some happy news. I know that being mpd/did or having PTSD can be really difficult, but I have found consolation in the fact that life doesn't have to be dismal all the time, and there is hope and life to be enjoyed. How about you? What has been happy in your life, lately?

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Brenda writes:

I am having great difficulties with boundaries. I think I am doing something nice (as I would like to have the same things done to me) but it turns out to be a boundary violation. I wish I knew how to look for boundaries and not to violate them. (I know!!! I had sterling examples when growing up--NOT!) I have to keep my wall down and not get so angry at myself when I falter, and learn from my mistakes. I don't know what else to do. Any suggestions?

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Cherie writes:

After several years of "good functioning" (although not total integration) I have had a series of financial and health setbacks in the real world that have brought on increased dissociation and feeling overwhelmed. At a time when I most need to be active, constructive, and organized I find myself(ves) scattered and paralyzed, especially in my work. This is a self-destructive cycle, since the lack of $ can only be solved by working more efficiently - yet my work habits are spiralling down, not up. I'm not in active therapy (can't afford it), but I do write in a journal sometimes. Last time I journaled I realized that I was afraid of my own emotions - so afraid that whenever I'd start to work on a project and would 'feel something', I'd stop right away.Also, I seem to have no inside Leader - everyone inside is going off in a different direction, so nothing gets done properly. This is getting me nowhere. Any suggestions?

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Gypsy writes:

We first learned about us in 1995, after an 'unconscious' suicide attempt. I still have trouble with internal parts fighting and arguing. Could you share suggestions on how to relieve the fighting and calm things down inside?

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Rosemary writes:

All of the material I've read so far talks in terms of visual memories.  I have no visual memories but experience the flashbacks of what happened to me kinesthetically. In fact there are no people at all in my memories before college.  Only empty rooms, seen out of the corner of my eye.

Are there any resources you suggest that might be helpful in dealing with
this? 

Send or see replies to Rosemary:

Jane writes:

I live in England and would like to form a self-help group similar to New Landscape in New York, as mentioned in MV. However, I am wondering how you would go about forming a self-help recovering DID/PTSD group when you don't know others who dissociate. How would you find safe people? What would be a safe place to meet? I would also appreciate hearing any positive or negative experiences you may have had in a group for recovering dissociatives that is not led by a therapist. I want to create a healthy, helpful environment and need to know what to do and what to avoid.

(PS from Lynn - Possible group members from UK can send addresses which I'll forward to Jane, if you want, but I will not post addresses here.)

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Kat writes:

I am new at this. We were diagnosed last month with DID. I have 4 little girls inside with names. I am aware of what is going on and what is being said for the most part when they are in control. I have known about them for 14 years, however, I could never afford therapy. I tried to overlook them and at times I felt theywere in hiding. I realized a was spending a great deal of time in my head and carrying on conversations but don't know why they come out or what the conversations are about. Is this co-consciousness or not?

I know things in my head, however I have very few memories for the 47 years that I have lived. How do I get that time back? How is that information obtained from the others? Is hypnosis the only way? Does EMDR bring it out?

Send or see replies to Kat:

Alex writes:

PM writes:

I am currently in therapy three times a week, paying for all of it out of pocket, and I'm feeling overwhelmed. My therapist says my discomfort is because I am "in denial" but I don't think so. Today I couldn't go to work. This is the fourth time in recent weeks. I can't keep doing this work. I do want to "get better". What do you suggest?

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Kari writes:

I've been in therapy for about 3 years or so and my therapist is great. Last summer, I remembered some memories of abuse that I had repressed.....  (and with good reason!)

sometime after that, alternative ego states started appearing...  and I am soooo creeped out...

My therapist keeps telling me that I'm not crazy.... that its all perfectly normal and in proportion to the abuse I suffered...  I can be okay talking about it with certain people  (can't share the details with my husband or parents or anyone at church), and I can talk to "them" and interact in my head... but whenever one of "them" show up and talk to my therapist, I freak out....

anywho....  I doubt I have full blown DID, since I am aware at all times of "everyone" and I'm still in my head even if someone else is in charge....  but its still freaky enough for me to be, well.... freaked
out.....

how did YOU get used to this? Or not? thanks for listening...

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Sabrina writes:

What's it like to start dating again? How do you tell someone that you've been in therapy on and off most of your life? I wanted to take it slow with this guy, but he didn't and bam! What a monster! (It turned out to be a domestic violence situation, and almost sent me reeling back into dissociation, but I couldn't dissociate from it.) I'm out of this mess but would like to know if others have had similar experiences, and what you might do to avoid this. I'm going to be moving to another state, and I want to start fresh and form a *healthy* relationship!

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Pat writes:

DS writes:

I live in a rural part of the country. In the last few years I've lived in three different states in the NE. I realize that different locations have a different rate of 'acceptance' of DID or dissociation. For example, after one hospitalization where my diagnosis was not questioned, I had a case manager say she did see different parts within me--but then she asked "Is D.I.D. really a valid diagnosis?"

Do some parts of the US have different numbers of diagnosed DID? Is this because more therapists accept it in certain regions? Or is there a way for people here to share -- completely anonymously -- the area(s) where they grew up and experienced their extreme duress /trauma/ dissociation? What state and was it rural, urban, suburban or???

Please reply if you feel comfortable answering this question.

Thank you.

Send or see replies to DS:

Donna writes:

I moved in with my son last summer and it is pleasant enough, but I am still having a hard time adjusting because, frankly, I have a lot of time on my hands. I volunteer at our Social Club and will also be working on the warm line (an outreach non-crisis phone line, something like RAP) but still feel empty and that my life has no meaning. I will be sixty soon and think there should be more to life than this.

My parts are not around like they used to be. I don't know if they are hiding or feel secure and have integrated somewhat. I have worked through most of my trauma and now am trying to work on the Now, and just live my life as best as I can. But frankly, I am not sure what that is. I am not quite ready for a regular job, as I am going through med changes etc. for bipolar disorder.

I wonder if others have gone through this, and if so, they could enlighten me.

Thanks!

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Jeanette writes:

I've been in therapy 13 years. I've accomplished a lot but it's been up and down because of my home life-living situation. I've learned to cope and manage and function "out there," and am doing well at it--making a good income on my own. But it feels like I've "squished" down parts of me in order to do so. A collective "we" doesn't seem to be anymore...parts still come out but no one has a name. I don't know if that's integration or fear or what--not having a name.

I'm at a standstill in therapy. My therapist, and myself(ves) don't really know what to do anymore. I go into denial, disbelief and whatever it takes to make it, but on weekends I crash and the depression is harder and harder to overcome by Monday -- or at least enough to get back to work. I'm so tired of living this way. Has anyone experienced this?

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Ellen F. writes:

What can be done about an alter who is persecutory? This alter has threatened to kill me and make life unbearable for the others in the system.
I would appreciate any insight you have on this.

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Tory writes:

While taking our dog out for a morning walk, it dawned on us that we need to learn how to celebrate our victories. Recently we were able to go deep into our system and uncover the key to our anorexic programming- and wow, things have changed positively in a very short time. This is something we definitely need to recognize and pay tribute to. Our usual habit is to gloss over any successes and just keep pushing ourselves into more and more recovery work.

Rarely, if ever, do we take a healthy break or celebrate. It would be helpful to read about the kinds of things other survivors do (either internally or with other people) to honor their successes. Also, if anyone has had trouble trying to do this-we would appreciate any kind of sharing, either with or without resolution.

Thanks!

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Ellen writes:

Barbara asks:

I was diagnosed with DID about 13 years ago. I'm having a very difficult time. A few years ago I was doing pretty well. Things inside were relatively calm. Then three years ago I suffered a devastating loss. My oldest son died of leukemia at age 26. My insides turned to chaos, and new parts formed. I am struggling to recover, but am not making much progress. Holidays are especially bad. My therapist calls me regularly to be sure I'm ok, but I'm barely hanging on. Support groups have not worked well so far. Does anyone have suggestions on what I can do to stabilize and get the chaos to settle down?

Thanks for any help or ideas you can give. I really want to hear from others about this.

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Lynn W. asks:

Have you ever been on disability? How did you make that decision? What was the application process like for you? Are you still on it? Are you 'in transition' or have you gone back to work? How did you know you were ready to work again? Did you test your working ability gradually, or just plunge back into the workforce?

For a presentation to professionals later this year, I'm gathering information about the pros and cons of social security disability for people recovering from trauma. If you have any experience with disability -please share it with MV readers here, or email me directly with your contact information. Thanks!

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T asks:

Many years ago I got clean and sober. When that happened, among other things, my head got quiet for the first time in my life. With this quiet came children inside. I didn't know what to do with them and didn't understand what they were about so I created an internal counselor to be with them and keep them company, since they would not talk to me. When I would get triggered occasionally over the years I would expereience myself as though I was looking at the world and responding to triggers from another place within me. I experienced that "someone" was responding but it didn't sseem to be me and I was unable to stop the response until it ran its course. Then I would not always remember everything I had said or done. Prior to getting clean I would "lose" incredible amounts of time; however I don't know if that's the Kids or chemicals or both, & I'll never know that.

Fast forward to recent events:
Since I became clean and sober, I have completed college and got my MS in counseling psychology. I also became aware of other children inside. I assumed that everyone had conversations going on in their heads all the time, and was shocked to find out that not everyone has that experience. Not long ago I was told by an experienced trauma therapist that I have a dissociative disorder. Many people I have visited with who are MPD experience a great deal of upset in their lives, including periodic hospitalizations, etc. I haven't experienced that since I got clean. I don't cut or have eating disorders etc. I don't experience long and awful depressions any more. Occasionally, I experience anxiety attacks, tho not very often. I have awareness of the Kids, but don't experience much upset from them, except on rare occasions when they're triggered.

Because I am a therapist and live in a rural area, this is a very touchy subject.I must proceed carefully and discretely so I don't lose credibility. What do readers think about my situation? Does anyone else relate to it?

Thanks.

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Deborah asks:

I have some questions regarding integration. Once you have a "core" or primary part integrate, is it possible that they "come back" or reappear? Could or would they still be triggered by something? or do they simply disappear and are gone? It feels more like a "blending" to me, yet at the same time, it feels like I am grieving something (or someone) and I don't even have a clue why. Any thoughts? Thanks!

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M.R. writes:

I've been in therapy with my latest therapist for the past five years. (My diagnosis is D.I.D.) She has just told me that she's planning to retire and move very far away in five months. This was an absolute shock that we weren't expecting,a nd my kid parts and most vulnerable adult parts were utterly devastated by the news. Two major things are going on: panic about never being able to find another experienced therapist, because we have very low income (but not low enough to qualify for low income services) and no health insurance. Plus it is extremely difficult for us to drive very far. The other thing that's going on, of course, is a huge grief process, and our emotions seem to be portioned out to different parts. Right now it's angry teenagers who refuse to talk to the therapist.

Some earlier therapist-experiences do not help this situation. For example, 20 years ago, before we know about our trauma history, we started having panic attacks and became the client of a very unhealthy therapist who abused us for 3 years. (We finally reported her to the state, and her license was revoked.) Several years later, we got up the courage to try therapy again. That therapist helped us thru the legal hassles and finally diagnosed us. But she too moved out of the area. It was sheer luck that led me to the one we have now.

So--obviously we have some trust issues with therapists. We'd like to hear from others who have made it through losing a good therapist, and what helped them keep at it. Also, what is the appropriate/healthy process for terminating a therapy relationship when it isn't the client's idea?

Your suggestions and comments are deeply appreciated.

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Kristi writes:

What do you do when your psychiatrist (or other doctor, or form of support) tells you that "if they don't see improvements soon, then they will more than likely stop treating you as a patient."

You see, in my situation... it's really the anorexia that is making this "ultimatum" come up. My psychiatrist just recently told me, "you need to gain some weight, improve some, or else I don't know if I will be able to treat you anymore...".

number one, he's scared to death that I am going to die... because of the starvation. and number two, he is convinced that since I'm still losing weight, that he is NOT helping me at all. and that is so far from the truth!!! I wish with all my heart that I could gain weight, to make ALL my doctors see that YES they are helping me. (a lot of my docs feel this way...and i feel that any day now, one by one, they will each give me this ultimatum, because they are so frustrated with me...) and they truly are; without their help, I would have given up. I've improved in so many other areas of my life, since I've been in therapy. I'm a better, smarter person than I ever was. And I want them to see that... NOT just the weight loss.

I know my psych technically isn't saying, "Kristi, I'm giving up on you..." but that's what I hear in my mind when I think about what he said. Due to my fear of trust, this whole situation is causing me a lot of... sadness and confusion... I understand his intent, and his actions. I really do. therapists have a cut off point sometimes where they have to stop treating a patient, if they think they aren't helping. but that is the LAST thing it's doing for me... I'm NOT motivated to gain weight-- my mind set is, "Well, since I'm too terrified to gain weight (I honestly believe I can't be happy at a higher weight...and I don't want to be at a higher weight ever again) then he's going to "give up on me" eventually, so why prolong that hurt??? get prepared now for him to say goodbye, brace yourself for it...and it won't hurt as much. (goodbyes absolutely tear my world apart...abandonment issues)

I might die from anorexia, very possibly...because, I see no way out. No matter how much help I receive, I don't think I will ever be comfortable in gaining weight... and that's not because they aren't "helping" me... its because Ii'm trapped inside my own mind; the voice inside my head has the key-- I don't...I cant unlock it to escape. but I DO try very hard to eat, everyday i do... it's a major struggle.

I would love to know others' opinions on the situation, how others have handled it, when the therapist feels that they aren't working hard enough... that they aren't progressing as much as they should with their trauma issues, etc. things like that. It's so devastating to me to feel like this... to feel like my psych is just throwing me away...which, I know that's NOT true, he's a very caring man, he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, all he wants for me is to be happy. I know it's my "issues" that are making me feel like he is throwing me away. I just don't know how to cope with it. Please help!

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Shellie writes:

I have a question about Dissociative Disorder.
Can a person suffer from DD and KNOW about the other personalities?? What I mean is, I have heard of MPD in a sense that most of the time, the person suffering from MPD knows nothing about the other personalities....Is DD the same thing??
I have been diagnosed with PTSD, (due to many years of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my ex husband), but while reading your site "Many Voices" I can see a lot of myself in some of the writings.
I have often thought I was going crazy, because I feel like so many "different" people. The only difference is that I am somewhat "aware" of what all of my personalities are doing. (I hope I am making sense??)
I really don't know how to describe it other than at times I am quiet, content and shy...other times I am outgoing, vibrant, even seductive, then there are times I am very professional in appearance and attitude. My personalities tend to change with the wind....and it's gotten to where I don't really know who I am anymore.
I would appreciate any advice/insight you can give me on this subject.

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Donna writes,

I have cut back on my sessions with my therapist and am trying to re-enter the world. I have been applying for a part time job and introducing other activities. My problem is that my parts seem to shut down and hide. I am having a very difficult time transitioning from my session back to the outside world or vice versa. The same thing hapens when I have to go for interviews or do an activity like volunteering. After a few days of outside activity I then have meltdowns and panic-like attacks or worse. I become chaotic within and they seem fearful. I can't seem to find a balance. I was wondering if others have the same problem and if you have any advice as to how I can teach them/myself how to transition between my world and theworld outside. I would appreciate any feedback you can give me.

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G writes,

I have a friend/acquaintence who I don't trust...for many reasons. I have distanced greatly, but haven't had the courage to completely end the friendship (or "entanglement"). I'd like to ask readers two opposite questions:

1. Have you ever decided to end a friendship? Why and how did you do it?

2. Describe your best friend! Or the best friend you have ever had, and what made your relationship special and honest.

Thanks so much!

Send or see replies for G.

Anne writes:

These days, I am looking for ways to combat intense loneliness. I have integrated most of my selves and I am very lonely...add to that a divorce and the kids are gone. I took an identity workshop and realized I feel like nothing inside. I like myself, but I feel like nothing and nobody. Do other people who integrate feel like that?

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J. asks

I am trying, quite unsuccessfully, to find any information on retraumatization due to "body work"/somato-emotional release. I was newly integrated--it appeared to my therapist and myself to be stable--until I unwisely underwent a form of body work offered by my physical therapist, called somato-emotional release.This was extremely abreactive in nature, which I was told it wouldn't be, and I wound up splitting off again, much to my chagrin. Do you know where I can find any articles/books/personal experiences on something of this nature?

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From MB:

Hi. I'm writing this because I feel hopeless and don't know what to do. I've suffered from depression/anxiety for over a decade and am tired of holding on for what I assume will only be more suffering. I am on disability, have no friends and feel no joy from anything. It's as if I've slowly receded over the years.

I was abused as a child, and am tormented by memories. Worse than that, though, is the fact that I've let my life get so far away from me. I cry all the time and feel as though I'm living in a vacuum. Living feels like a life sentence. I am tired of holding on for the implausibility of happiness or, at least, the absence ofmisery.

I have tried to get well, but nothing seems to work. I feel that the damage done is irreparable. I know I sound negative but I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'd appreciate any advice. Thank you.

Send or see responses for MB:

Dear Friends,

We're going to cover more on PTSD (in war veterans, victims of violent crime etc.) in MV in the coming months. My question for you is--what can survivors of child abuse teach survivors of severe adult trauma -- and vice versa? What is similar and what is different about our struggles? How can we help each other recover? - Please share this question with your friends--I'd like lots of comments. & Thanks for your insight.

- Lynn W.

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Nancy writes:

I am an adult in therapy for treatment of dissociative disorder. I have symptoms I have not seen addressed anywhere--I have incoherent thoughts--when I am under stress, sometimes I find that I cannot understand speech, I cannot read printed words, I cannot talk coherently, and my thoughts are also incoherent. This comes and goes. I have talked to my therapist about it, and he says it is not uncommon with PTSD. But I feel like I am the only person with these symptoms. Several times when I have gone to bed, just before I fall asleep, my thoughts become incoherent, almost as if there is something I am accessing in my mind, but I cannot make it out--then I have a severe anxiety attack, jump out of bed, then fall to the floor with stiffening and then shaking and then sleep. I have been evaluated for neurological problems, and the conclusion was that these are pseudoseizures, brought on by stress. Have you ever heard of or experienced the incoherent thoughts problem?

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MK writes:

I have a friend who is urging me to go on disability, and I think about it at times. What are your thoughts on disability? I'm interested in hearing different viewpoints on this. Thanks!

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Jim asks,

I have great difficulty in doing things that I would like for myself - it's like pulling teeth! Could you tell me how common this is amongst the sra survivors you know or have known? I would guess it is common but is it universal or close to it?

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CH asks,

I am interested in feeling safe during flashbacks. Does anyone have good ideas about flashback safety or prevention? I'm also interested in medications that may have helped others with DID, and exploring ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) and its possible effect on my parts. Thank you for your help!

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JustUs asks,

While taking our dog out for a morning walk, it dawned on us that we need to learn how to celebrate our victories. Recently, we were able to go deep into our system and uncover the key to our anorexic programming--and wow, things have changed positively in a very short time. This is something we definitely need to recognize and pay tribute to. Our usual habit is to gloss over any successes and just keep pushing ourselves into more and more recovery work (Ok, the label "workaholic" fits). Rarely if ever do we take a healthy break or celebrate. In turn, this leads to the depressing feeling that our struggle will never end. But then we dive right back into dealing with memories and programming issues once more. This cycle needs to change!

At this moment, we don't have friends we feel are trustworthy, who we can share our stuff with. Within the past year we became acutely aware that the folks we were hanging out with were unhealthy (and have cut most ties). So we're looking for ways to have internal achievement parties. There are littles inside with some very good ideas--but we're struggling to act on them. Because much of our abuse involved a perverted twisting of seemingly innocent fun and play activities, there's a tendency to shy away; but we don't want to let this upstage us anymore.

It would be helpful to read about the kinds of things other survivors do, either internally or with other people, to honor their successes. Also, if anyone has had trouble trying to do this, we would appreciate any kind of sharing --either with or without resolution. THANKS!

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Sandy asks,

Do you have some suggestions for rebuilding a support system, when friends are lost through moving, disability or death? I'm in my 60s, and two of my best friends are dying. I'm finding this extremely difficult to deal with, though I know many people my age face these problems, even without the added concern of dissocation. Please share your ideas. Thanks!

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Daisy asks,

I have had a major change in life and cannot afford the weekly therapy I was getting. I feel like I need to stop and want to stop therapy. I feel like I am being manipulated to continue- by my therapist. My question is- how do you know when to stop? How do you know you are just going because the therapist replaces a friend? How do I know if I am being told that my therapist is manipulating me by the protector alter who always wants to quit? But now things are being pointed out to me that make me think that it is true. I also am aware that I do not trust a lot of people right now-kind of paranoid. I also feel that I do not know her (my therapist) - and I guess that is a good clue to my situation because I have gone there for 3 years. I am needing some direction on my path and I do not know how to get it. Thanks!

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The Lost Girls write:

I am feeling very sad and confused.
I was diagnosed with MPD about 14 years ago and sent to see an LCSW with experience in dissociation. It went badly,(she scared me)I attempted suicide and then left therapy. I tried to "get on" with my life, but my functioning ability was very inconsistent. I had a series of hospitalizations, and I was told I defininitely was not "multiple." They said "why are you acting as if you are?" They evaluated me for a thought disorder ,and I left the hospital after two weeks of testing and evaluation with a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder. Later, I was diagnosed BPD, Bi-polar, OCD and others. Currently, I am on medication for manic depression, and I have been put on psychiatric diability. I have grown over the years, but my mental illness seems barely touched or healed.

In therapy, I have been having spontaneous age-regression and listening to part of me talk about another part of me who has a different name. I have been moving in and out of different aspects of myself , and I am now starting to experience terror in the sessions, as well as self-hate and many other extreme emotions...

Since my functioning level over the last 14 years has gone up and down, I finally crashed, had to get sober and was awarded disability since my prognosis is very poor. This happened over the last two years. Well, this journey started at age 26--that's when I began cutting--and I am now 40 years old. I am now diagnosed as PTSD and Bi-polar. While I am very dissociative (I believe I have auto-hypnotic experiences, i have amnesia for my childhood, and I have many confusing symptoms related to memory and identity, as well as sexual orientation), I only regress or present as a different "aspect" of myself in therapy.

My greatest frustration is around the lack of consensus about my diagnosis and my feeling of being crazy. Why do I act like I have DID, if I don't? Why do I appear so high-functioning for periods, and then I crash?

The Lost Girls

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Kathy writes:

I have had several car accidents that seem to have happened when an alter took over and I fell unconscious. When it happened again recently I totalled my car. This time they took my license away "until the problem is resolved." I don't disagree with this decision, and am having a number of physical tests done, too. But has this sort of thing happened to anyone else and, if so, what did you have to do to regain your license? Did you have to prove integration legally, in order to drive again? Thanks for any information on this problem.

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Daniel writes,

I have a diagnosis of dissociation. I'm also a FTM (female to male) transgendered person just at the beginning of testosterone therapy. I am hormonally and emotionally 15-1/2 years old. Of course moving in time and being various ages isn't new for us, but this is something even a Whole person would have to go through. I wondered if there are links or other information sources or support for transgendered folks (FTM or MTF) who are dissociative as well.

Multiples have to work harder to do their lives, and information sharing makes it less lonely and gives support and comfort.

Thank you again.

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Veronica writes,

I have been recently diagnosed with DID by my therapist. The insiders and I have a big problem with cutting, drinking, and suicidal thoughts. My therapist does not handle emergencies. Her recommendation is to call 911. I want to prevent my situation from going that far. Who can I/We talk to, to get us through our crisis. What are some other ideas to keep us all Safe while dealing with flashbacks, panic attacks and the fear that overwhelms us? I have a twelve year old son and he is being sucked into this nightmare. Please help. Thanks.

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Diane writes,

How can you learn to be open and honest, when so much about you is a secret? I am a teacher and have always been afraid that I would lose my job if anyone knew about my diagnosis. Only one or two people other than my therapists know. I want to know how to open the door of isolation. Do any of you have suggestions? Thank you for listening and being there!

Diane

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I was diagnosed with MPD/DID and PTSD 13 years ago. My husband and I just learned that we are expecting a baby. I am terrified that I will have a relapse. It has only been in the last 2 years that I have sought "true" therapy. I have since been hospitalized five times. The last hospitalization was about 14 months ago.

I would like to hear from other abuse survivors who have had children successfully. I am looking for some reassurance that I will not relapse and become dissociative again...and that I will be able to raise a healthy child. I would also appreciate comments from therapists on this topic.

Thank you all for your suggestions!

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Anonymous A.L. writes:

I would be interested in hearing perspectives from those who needed to leave their family of origin. to preserve their health. I am physically ill when I am around my family or when I communicate with them, and this has gone on for some years. I vomit, have severe migraines, sob, and become despondent. This, after quite a few years of successful therapy. The pain perseveres.

I have taken awhile to distance, hoping that as I became stronger and healthier and more integrated, I would be able to handle the hostility, narcissism, emotional and verbal abuse better. I hoped perhaps I could simply forget the past and feel peace in the present. I then realized that the emotional abuse continues in the present, making it very difficult. In fact, rather than managing the family dynamics better, I have experienced more awareness than ever and increased anger. I feel deep grief and pain. The less dissociative I become, the more painful the family is for me.

I also feel increased anger and sadness because the family won't discuss multiplicity, or who I am, and they really don't want to know. I realize that, for most of my life, I have been in essence asked to deny my reality and my self. Some years ago, I lost to death the one person in the family that I felt truly loved me. Since then, this has been increasingly difficult. I do care for them, and yet, reality is continually distorted. "You don't feel that. You don't think that. It's not that way. I don't remember that. That didn't happen. No."

Between physical and emotional health, I am considering even more distance. It simply hurts too much. It doesn't seem that the family is interested in changing; more "don't rock the boat". If you chose to leave, how did you do it? How did you deal with feeling guilty for hurting people? Did you write a letter or simply leave? Thanks so much.

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Anon H. writes:

I would like to know how to best cope with mood changes/switches that happen when my partner is stressed. She switches into what one might call a malevolent alter, who is ruthless. She does not like to talk about her condition to me, nor does she feel free to explain it to me. Sometimes I think she is embarrassed at her behavior when the malevolent alter is in control and doesn't want to talk about it, because she feels crazy. This does not happen often. I wish she would not feel so crazy and talk to me about what's going on. I would then have an easier time coping with the "mood swings." I welcome your comments and suggestions.

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Shani writes:

I am a mental health nurse studying for a post graduate certificate in Working with Adults Abused in Childhood. The first part of the course is understanding what happens to kids when abused, and why; the second part is what we can do to help adults recover. I am particularly interested in Dissociation as a response to trauma. I hope an increase in professional understanding will make a difference in the way clients are treated and improve their recovery. So could you help me understand the purpose dissociation serves you, its links with past or current trauma, and what a client might need from a therapist/nurse/professioonal supporter? Any comments on any of these topics would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

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Nancy writes:

I have a wonderful therapist. I went through a whole string of counselors before I found her. I respect and admire her honesty, integrity and intelligence, and I'm pretty sure I trust her. But as always I find this entire thing (dissociation, abuse) hard to accept and acknowledge. I have started to accept bits and pieces as the truth, as I have lived through them. Then suddenly, me or someone flat-out refuses to accept and I go through total hell, which leads to big-time self-destruction. I've been at this for some time, and research and learn as much as possible, but recovery is starting to seem impossible to me, and I refuse to live like this. Does anyone have some ideas that might help?
Thanks for listening.

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Wend writes:

I'd like to see a way to get local based help, from support groups, therapists, friends. I'd love to have a local friend who is recovering from dissociation. If you have a support group in your areas, please list it and tell about your experience. If you have (or have had) friendships with other people who dissociate, please say how it has worked for you--pleasures, problems. Thank you!

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Mike writes:

I am married to a woman with many parts. Some of her parts are physically abusive and violent. She has thrown large objects at me, and hit me in the mouth when I am driving. The other night she threatened to kill me. She is in jail now. Also, she has an alcohol problem and refuses to quit drinking, so she lost her therapist. I don't want to leave her--she's my wife--but I don't know what to do next. We are trying to find a new therapist. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.

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MaryK asks:

I don't hear voices or lose time, but I have other parts who come out and talk (and write) occasionally. Does this sound familiar to anyone? I'd be interested in hearing from others with other parts, but without time loss. Thanks!

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Touchy Subject:

What is the experience of people who are professional counsellors, but also are recovering from dissociative disorders? And what are the experiences of clients treated by people in this situation? Is there a way to handle this to protect both the recovering professional and the client from damage? If you have opinions, please reply, even if you don't fit the categories of "recovering professional" or "client treated by recovering professional." Thanks.(Anonymity assured).

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Ricky asks:

I've been in therapy now for 11 years. Things are safer but I am still out of the loop as far as knowing what the "others" are up to. They all seem to listen and oversee everything I do, but when they are out is when I lose time. I believe this is called No Co-consciousness. I would value help and advice. PS: I seem to be the host.

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Sabrina asks:

I'd like to hear from people who have dealt with the death of a parent--especially if you were integrating or becoming whole when it happened. This has been a very difficult experience for me.

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Dave asks:

Does anyone out there know if any professionals have studied and written about the different responses to medication among alters? I am diabetic, and my blood sugar readings seem to vary dramatically, depending on which alter is present. My medical doctors think I'm lying. I hope to locate authoritative research data to prove the physiological differences among alters--if this data exists. Please reply!

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Kathy writes:

I am having a lot of trouble right now with one particular part that is spending money, charging things, and generally going around any obstacles I place in her way. It is ruining me financially and causing considerable stress. Any suggestions or solutions from others who've had this experience? Thanks!

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NoName asks:

I have a dissociative disorder. I am also dealing with a physically life-threatening problem (advanced cancer). I feel very overwhelmed. Does anyone out there have suggestions on what might help my system cope with the many different complications that arise due to this condition? I am also very untrusting of others. What are some steps I could take? Have any of you dealt with this? Please write!

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Mary writes:

I would like to know more about the different kinds or levels of dissociation. My doctor says I am not D.I.D., but have PTSD. Yet I know I have different "parts" inside. Would readers please share what it feels like inside, especially if you do not have the D.I.D. diagnosis? And what do you do when you think your doctor has "devalued" you? Thanks

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Pat writes:

I was abused for 10 years by family, and am just now dealing with it. Also I have discovered I blank out for short times. that scares me more than being a multiple. I would like to here from some one can relate with me, especially concerning my blanking out. When I do someone comes out who is a pain it the ..... with a rotten attude, (so they tell me). I have no knowledge before or after it happens, as far as I am concerned I have always been there with no breaks. Does anyone else experience this? What do you do about it? Can it get better? Thanks.

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Jane/Our Sisterhood has questions about work:

I am a 51 year old multiple, recently diagnosed. So far as we have been able to discover, there is no history of childhood abuse. Nevertheless there are 18 of me. We are as alike as sisters - and as different as sisters - and there is the problem.

Speaking collectively, "I" have a long, long history of deciding on a career (or job), and then "forgetting" I did so - "losing interest" suddenly and completely, but not permanently - enrolling in school but suddenly not going any more - wanting to follow absolutely conflicting paths. Used to beat myself up over this until I found out about the MP. Now I understand it. Unfortunately, understanding it doesn't automatically fix it. I'm trying some things, but I'd like some help and don't know where to find it. I have proved unable to continue training that takes longer than a semester, and when I have taken short courses, then I find myself trained to do something I have neither interest nor ability for. (Even though I aced the course!)

I have held jobs longer than a year twice in my life. Once was my own business and if I could have fired me, I would have, for abject inefficiency. (Only some of me would/could do the work, so what should take 6 hours always took 12.) Being my own boss, in my own home, making my own hours did enable me to earn a living for about a decade and through a lot of Stuff. Unfortunately, it is not a business I could start again, due to changes in the field.

The other time was factory work and the stress nearly destroyed me. We are still licking our wounds from that one. When things seem to be progressing nicely, after a while The Changes come around and there's a different "executive committee" and everything goes haywire. Our interests and abilities are different enough that whatever one likes, there's someone else who hates it.

Nowadays we communicate better and when someone in back is complaining, the one in front hears it as well as feeling the resistance, flak, and blockage in the energy required to do the task at hand. It seems to work, at least for a while, for several of me to work part time. Scheduling is a challenge, and part-time jobs tend to be insecure and not pay decently.

A few years ago I had a temp job for 9 months that all of us could and would do. It was totally mindless and I was left completely alone to do it at my own pace. While my hands were busy, all sorts of creative and interesting things could go on "upstairs" and we loved it. But it was a temp job - low pay, no security - and it ended.

I have not had good experiences with counseling and am not in therapy. I doubt that traditional therapy offers much for the presenting problem, which is how the heck to make a living with18 women sharing one body, one Day-Timer and no career goals. I think I'm probably too darned functional to get disability but I'm too dysfunctional to work effectively. Does anyone know of any resources that might be helpful in solving this particular problem? Thanks!

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PG writes:

My problem at the moment is - one minute I dearly love my husband, one minute I hate him, and one minute I want to divorce him. This can change several times a day. Some days I think I want to have sex with my therapist and some days I just think of him as my knight in shining armor - he has never done a thing to encourage this thinking. I have been married for 31 years and truly love my husband. We have had our ups and downs. I can't have sex with him (most of the time) because I love and respect him. I grew up with illicit sex and whenever I have sexual feelings I think of my father and I can't think of my father and my husband together. I don't think I'm making a lot of sense. Should I just quit seeing my therapist even though he has helped me a lot? Is it normal for DID people to hate their spouses depending on what "mood" they are in at the moment?. Please give me some answers. Thanks!

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Linda writes:

I would be interested in knowing if anyone has any ideas or comments on "sleeping." I use quotes because I don't feel like I really "sleep." There's always one level that is awake and aware of everything that goes on. I feel like I do all the things that I know (safe places, night watchpeople, relaxation tapes, music, teddy bears, cozy blankets, etc.) but still struggle. My maximum time in the bedroom is 4 hours and it's been that way for about 40 years. I can count on one hand the times I've slept more than that. One of the things that happen is, consistently, I "wake up" at 3:30 A.M. absolutely terrified/terrorized. We have worked through a lot of the trauma that happened in bedrooms. The awakenings seem to come from inside or my unconscious and all the things I've tried don't seem to work. Lately, I've been more sleep-deprived than normal and I don't want to get to where I can't function. I've tried my couch but it's so uncomfortable that it doesn't help. I'd appreciate any thoughts or suggestions. Thanks.

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Jacki writes:

I have written in many times to share my own experience, strength and hope, now I am looking for a answer for myself. Since I came apart the last time I've been through a lot of different medications till we seem to have found a good combination that seems to work well. It's been important to give each part of me what it seems to need to cope. The only drawack I see now is that with keeping the bipolar part under control I can't seen to get going like I used to be able to do. I've relied for so many years on the manic being kicking in and getting me off the ground and out on the town. Seems like all I can manage to do is get up and face the day. There is no internal boost to strike out and do things. I feel lost in my days of just going from one room to another and at the end of the day feeling like I didn't do any thing. I'm sure that this has happened to others out there who have gotten to a point like this. When I lived up North they had day clinics you went to that gave you the incentive to get out every day and worked with you towards a goal. Where I live now the only day clinic they have is a crisis clinic where you just go and sit more for observation and there is no motivation to do any thing. Of course that's not what I need at this point. Any tips will be greatly received at this point. Thanks for being here, Jacki

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CB writes:
I have two unusual experiences:
1) When I read something that is clearly powerful inside, I experience something almost electric between my book and my face. There's sort of a field that, although completely invisible, seems particularly and keenly alive, as if something is happening in that area between my face and my book.
2) When I hear someone chewing, my reaction is, well, an overreaction. It irritates me in a way that is clearly more than the situation calls for. I feel deeply angry.

Do any of you experience something like this, or do you know of professional references to these experiences? If you can help me understand these experiences, I would be most grateful.

(Note from Lynn W. Please reply also, if you have similar or other "odd experiences" you can't figure out...or if you have personal interpretations of such experiences. This is a good place to share those things you can't discuss with anyone else because they're just "too weird." Thank you!)

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Kat writes:
I have had big problems for several months now with the local Housing Authority, and DHS taking away my medical program without even notifying me. I am having a lot of trouble coping. I feel as if I have just been flung back and forth, and back and forth, and abused by the Gov't for almost a year now-- after years of working to recover from abuse. Has anyone else gone through this? Does anyone have some good advice?

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P writes:
I have met other survivors with alters that have animal form, but cannot find much written about it. I, myself, have had great difficulty admitting I have an animal alter because it is seems so "out there" I must be imagining it. But even more so, I fear its connection with the other type of abuse. I have revealed these issues with my therapist, but can seem to go no further with it. I believe I am having difficulty because of my inability to be present with it for very long. I have no place inside to put it, so it stays locked away, and triggers frequent acting-out and self-harm activities. I think part of my problem in holding it is because at this point it is impossible for me to be present with this kind of shame. I would like to hear from others who have unusual alters and experiences that set off serious shame, and what you do to resolve it. Thank you.

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Sabrina writes:
What is integration like for you in general, i.e everyday living situations? I would appreciate any and all info you are willing to share and as many replies as possible. Mine seems to be moving at a phenomenal rate not baby step by baby step but giant step by giant step.
Thank you!

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Lynette writes:

What have you done to improve your social skills...like making friends with outsiders and having healthy relationships? I am shy and it is not easy for me to start conversations. Any suggestions? Thanks!

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M.D. writes:

Recently I went to pick up my car at the repair shop. Sliding into the driver's seat, my left hand atop the roof of the car, I came close to losing four fingers. I "watched" myself sit down, knowing my hand was still outside the car, and with my right hand reaching over my lap, I closed the door. The pain was not as frightening as the fear of what I was watching myself do. Though I managed to open the door and get my injured fingers out, the reality of what was happening and my inabilty to stop it haunts me. I have no alters that I know of who would want to hurt me. Communicating with "me" is so important. Have any of you had experiences like this, where you "watch" but can't stop what's happening, even though you know it will mean disaster? What do you make of this? Your feedback is gratefully appreciated.

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Bill C. writes:
How do you deal with negative, critical voices in your head? Do you banish them? Drown them out? Make friends with them? What has worked best for you? Thanks.

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MV's Query of the Month for March 2001
Email your comments to us.

Ryan writes: to ask how he can help his partner, who is dissociative. While Many Voices publishes a regular partner page in the newsletter, other resources, books or good advice are welcome. Please make suggestions!

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MV's Query of the Month for February 2001
Email your comments to us.

S.H. writes that would like to know how to get off disability. If you were on disability and got back to work, please let us know how you made the transition. Did you go back to work gradually? Did you have any problems notifying social security? Lots of people need to know about this. Please reply!

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MV's Query of the Month for January 2001
Email your comments to us.

Jeavean writes that she'd like to know "good reasons to stick around" (ie, not erase herself). Please send your ideas on why it is a good idea to stay here on earth. This is a very important subject for many readers, so don't hold back. Send your comments now! and Thanks!

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MV's Query of the Month for December 2000
Email your comments to us.

RedBob, a recovering Vietnam Veteran, writes to ask if any of you have psychotic alters, and what you do about this problem? Do you take medication, and if so, what kind? Any other suggestions?

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