Send Your Replies to MB

Hi, MB,

I can relate to your feelings. I have felt like throwing in the towel so many times but something inside me keeps me from giving up.

I don't know what it is maybe sheer stubbornness. No that's not true. At first I used others to keep me from ending my life like my Granddaughter or my therapist. I would try to visualize what this would do to them. My therapist once told me it is a terrible legacy.

Then as I continued healing I would get little glimpses of how it could be, as if God were giving me something to hang on to to keep me going. Over time the glimpses have turned into hours and sometimes a couple of days at a time. I still have no friends and am not close with my family but I have been able to find some happiness from within myself.

I started small with volunteering a couple of hours and have gradually built up myself so that I have started working (I too have been on disability with a back injury since 1988). Is it hard? absolutely! Do I struggle with my DID issues? You're darn right! Do I have days when I want to cash it all in? You bet your life! But the good news is I am doing it! I do it scared, tired and alone but I am doing it. And each time I do it I come back a little stronger for the effort.

I use myself now to crawl out of that dark place I go to. I have a lot to live for and a lot I want to do yet. I got my first paycheck in 17 years today. It wasn't much but it was mine and I knew how hard it was for me to get to this point. And I was filled with pride and joy just looking at it. It can be done. I will tell you that 8 years ago I had black posterboard over my windows to keep the world out. That's how bad it was. Now I am determined to not let my history waste anymore of my life. I am 58 years old and I deserve a life and to be happy and by gosh I am doing it! It has been hard adjusting but it is so worth it so very very worth it. So try to find something you love to do and fill yourself up with it so that when you get down you can draw from it and comfort yourself.

I don't know if any of this helped you and all I can do is draw on my own journey but know that I understand how very very hard it is and what I have shared is from my heart.



Hi MB,

I am very sorry you are in so much pain. I suffer from depression and anxiety too and sometimes it seems as though I just can't go on and then I think intensely about suicide. I debate the merits of an overdose vs. throwing myself in front of the metro (public transportation). Sometimes it just hurts so much, and I feel like I can't take anymore. I also have flashbacks at times.

I have started talking about childhood memories in therapy, after quite a while spent on focusing on the present. It hurts so much. Sometimes I can't stand it anymore and I beg to go into the hospital. However, my therapist says that I need to work through the issues with her in outpatient therapy rather than go back into the hospital. Most of the time I think that's the right option, especially since the pain is chronic and any hospitalization would be short.

Do you have a therapist? If not, is there any way you could start seeing one? Are you on medication?
I am very sorry that you are feeling hopeless. One option, if you're not seeing a therapist, is to call RAINN at 1-800-656-HOPE and they will connect you with a crisis center in your area. I feel for you because I know this process is excruciatingly painful. Sometimes the depression and anxiety are almost too much to endure. However, your life is valuable so please don't hurt yourself. I hope you're able to find the help you need.

Take care, Mary K


Hi MB,

I know how you feel. Lonely, tired, angry, and a whole bunch of feelings which bring you down. Sometimes I still feel that way. I keep working very hard every day to learn new and better methods along with my therapist. BUT, always remember when you work so hard, sometimes you need to take breaks too. I am finding out the breaks are necessary to be able to continue the work.

I once said I had no friends. This is no longer true. I have met (finally) someone like myself. We have a great deal in common, understand each other and support each other. Believe me, it was a very long time before I met her. I believe if you keep trying (but remember the breaks because working too hard will bring you down also) I know you can do it. Never give up.

I have to admit sometimes I feel like giving up. I just keep believing it will get better. And it will. I know! How I know is what I read in the newsletter what others write and in books I read. There are many great books in which you can read to inspire you and assist you. I believe this web site offers different books to choose from also. Never think you have to be alone. I am guessing this is one of the reasons for this web site. To communicate with others like ourselves so we don't have to feel so alone.

Just keep writing and others will return responses. Though I have received none as of yet, maybe tomorrow there will be one. Just keep your chin up and remember, You Are Not Alone..... Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world. It is the only thing that ever has. ~Margaret Mead

Take Care,


Hi MB,

I have tried to respond to you a few times now, but each time think,"Who am I to comment?" Depression, DID, and being bipolar have been lifelong challenges for me. I haven't walked in your shoes, but I have a good idea. On more than one occasion, the ultimate "nothing" has seemed very appealing. But I still hang on to the belief that there are some things worth fighting for. Even if you get sucked back in now and then, how badly do you want to crawl out of that vacuum? You wouldn't be writing if you didn't feel a glimmer of hope.

So many things contribute to, as well as help, depression. There is so much information out there. Could you make a list of what you have tried, and then what you haven't? Maybe share it with an interested individual? Of course, time could be spent discussing therapy, eating and sleeping habits, activity level, family background, medication, holistic approaches, attitude, support groups and friends, social encounters, a pet, treatment, meditation, spirituality, monetary resources, family, history of abuse, etc. Keep in mind that new things are being learned every day. Have you heard about the clinical trials now being conducted on a brain implanted device that stimulates a chemical to combat depression? More information is on the internet. The FDA is close to approving it. Who knows--maybe you're a candidate.

My mom ended her life. At that time she was beaten down and in poor health. Over the years I've often thought about what could have been done to help her. Something radical when nothing else seemed to work? A long pampered vacation? Jumping track and taking some huge gambles? Moving to Colorado and living in the mountains? Forced commitment or treatment? Divulging family secrets? I would personally opt for the vacation. Whatever path you choose, simple belief and hope that something can help is the first and greatest step you have.




I know that a million people could tell you that your life is worth living and all damage is repairable but until you are able to feel that it will never seem like that to you. I had my own doubts many years ago. Even to this day there are times when I wish that there was more I could do, but I do what I can and what I do best. I tell others mystory and let others tell me their story and somehow we have all etched out our own markers in this world. Many years ago in the beginning of my therapy I couldn't understand why they always asked if I was a danger to myself. I've coined a phrase over the years that was my best way of explaining to them that I never had considered ever doing anything to myself. "I never wanted to end my life. I wanted my life 'as it was' to end." We all make decisions based on what we know, and I know that though I've been through a lot of things in 52 years, life has a different meaning to it now.

It starts by finding a purpose for the trials and pain of our lives when we grew up from abusive homes and later grew out of abusive relationships. I found my purpose in sharing with others and allowing them to in turn share with others. Many groups on the internet are a wonderful source of strength if you don't have a group face to face. And read until you find your answers. Don't give up until you pick up that certain book or find that certain group online and read your story played out intheirs. You'll know that moment when you get there. But these decisions are yours to make. Remember that our choices now are just that--"our choices" to make.

You've come across this page so you are on the right track for now. Keep going and you'll find some light at the end of the tunnel.

Lady J.